For a review of the film, click here.
The film opens with Kristen Stewart mumbling about never growing up and taking responsibility for anything and then moves to teenage mutant dog Jacob, one part of a love triangle that took three previous films to establish, receiving a letter from the object of his affections, Kristen Stewart…
“Dear Jacob, I cordially invite you to my wedding to the guy you can’t stand. Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. No matter how much you work out, I will never leave him for you. This is because he can make me into a vampire, and you cannot. If you can think of a way to turn me into a werewolf though, let me know and I may reconsider. Also, you can’t bring a plus one as my new friends will probably kill them.”
P.S. Please wear a shirt to the wedding (and keep it on throughout).
Determined to win her over with brute force and also not to be told what to wear, Jacob, upon reading the letter, quickly pumps some iron and runs out into the rain, tearing his shirt off in the process in the off chance K-Stew was walking past his home. We also learn the news of the impending wedlock has turned the bride-to-be’s father into an alcoholic. The groom decides to pay his better half a visit the night before…
ED A.M. CULLEN : Just checking for cold feet.
KRISTEN STEWART : No, I’m still tota – O wait, were you trying to be funny? You really shouldn’t Edward. I’ve already talked to you about that. Please don’t make any jokes at the wedding Ok?
ED A.M. CULLEN : There’s something you need to know about me Bella, something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time.
KRISTEN STEWART. : You’re gay? It’s Ok Edward I’ve known for a while now. It’s fine, once we’re married and you’ve made me into a vampire we can –
ED A.M. CULLEN : What? I’m not gay, just because I’ve waited for a century to have sex with a female doesn’t mean I’m gay. Goodness! No, it’s much worse than that I’m afraid.
KRISTEN STEWART : Really? It’s worse than me marrying a gay vampire?
ED A.M. CULLEN : I … I … I’ve killed people! I killed murderers and rapists, and I drank their blood!
KRISTEN STEWART : Jesus fucking Christ Edward. Stop being such a fucking pussy! You’re a VAMPIRE for God’s sake, I expect you to have killed a whole army of people by now. Seriously, once you’ve turned me into one you’re getting the bitch slap of your life. Now, aren’t you going out for your bachelor party?
Edward’s face contorts in anguish as he recalls his misspent eternal youth, and we see a montage of him biting young attractive men that he stalked as prey, but not before conveniently dropping ‘incriminating’ weapons at their feet. Pulling him out of his morose reverie, his pals arrive and proceed to fondle each other and make libidinous gestures to him from the window whilst panting animalistically.
EXCITED CULLENS : Oo ooo eee ee aaaa aa aa!!!
ED A.M. CULLEN : O that’s my signal. I’d better go, I wish you’d take this whole murdering of God’s creatures a little more seriously Bella, think over it a little won’t you?
KRISTEN STEWART : Whatever. Hey – there won’t be any girls there tonight, right?
ED A.M. CULLEN : Euch! No way, just some wild animals we’re going to spit roast between us. Don’t stay up too late now. I’ll meet you at the altar.
KRISTEN STEWART : Yes, well I should think so.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Ooo eee aa aa aa!!
With that the young vampires go off into the night to indulge in practices they first encountered in the Black Forest.
The lavish wedding takes place, during which Kristen Stewart practically orgasms while walking down the aisle and thinking of how close her dream of unholy immortality is, not to mention how much money her new family clearly has, and everyone extols the virtue of the bride, well, almost everyone …
MAGGIE GRACE : She’s responsible for the death of the man/vampire I loved!
KRISTEN STEWART : Purrrrrrrr. Purrrrrrrrrr.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Bella? No, nothing bad could ever happen because of her, look how sweet and innocent she is!
KRISTEN STEWART : Purrrrrrrrrr. Purrrrrrrrr.
Then, in order to pretend he had a choice in the matter, Edward gives Kristen Stewart her ‘wedding present’, which turns out to be Jacob, in a shirt.
JACOB : There, are you happy now? I’m wearing this only because it’s your day, although really, I think your day would be a lot better for you if you could see my ripped body.
ED A.M. CULLEN : It was kind of you to come.
JACOB : Kind is my middle name bitch.
ED A.M. CULLEN : I’ll, erm, see if Rosalie wants a dance.
JACOB : Cool, beat it.
KRISTEN STEWART : Where have you been? We were going to put your face on a milk carton.
JACOB : Eh?
KRISTEN STEWART : Never mind. Come and let me dance with you, I want to smell you and get worked up for my honeymoon.
JACOB : Is that a sick joke? It’s not like you’ll be getting any from fish dick over there, is it? Is it Bella?
Kristen Stewart gives Jacob a knowing wink, inducing RAGE in the young put upon werewolf.
JACOB : AAAAAAARGH! Are you of your mind?!! While you’re still human? Have you any idea what the consequences will be?!
KRISTEN STEWART : What, it turns me on Ok? Jesus, get over it already. Edward …
ED A.M. CULLEN : Calm down Jacob.
Enter the leader of the wolf pack, Sam, who has been skulking around in the bushes.
SAM WOLF : Calm down Jacob.
JACOB : AAAAAAARGH! Why is everyone always against me?!! The shirt – it burns! It bites!!
KRISTEN STEWART : I’m really, really, really stupid.
ED A.M. CULLEN : No that’s not true. Nope.
KRISTEN STEWART : You’re right. He can suck it – I’m off to say goodbye to my folks now before I become a vamp. I can’t wait to see their faces when I get back.
Edward takes his new bride to his seduction suite in Brazil, passing through the Carnival in Rio but not stopping in case she changes her mind. K-Stew realises she forgot to shave her legs before the wedding and decides she’d better make an effort, leaving Edward to his own devices for several hours before skinny dipping with him in the sea in a romantic idyll.
KRISTEN STEWART : Are we going to screw now or what? This water’s fucking freezing Edward.
ED A.M. CULLEN : I’ll try.
KRISTEN STEWART : What do you mean, ‘you’ll try’?
Returning to the boudoir it becomes evident that Edward has a lot of trouble in the bedroom department, possibly due to lack of blood flow to certain organs. Edward smashes the bed frame in frustration. Then he smashes everything else in the room too.
KRISTEN STEWART : Well done. You’ve successfully managed to fuck everything in this room except for me.
Edward sobs quietly to himself in the corner.
KRISTEN STEWART : Jacob gets hard as soon as he looks at me.
ED A.M. CULLEN : (Sobs loudly)
KRISTEN STEWART : Oh but you know I’m only teasing sweetie, you know I love you… would it make it easier if I put a picture of One Direction over the bed?
ED A.M. CULLEN : Grrrrrrrrrr (sob)
KRISTEN STEWART : That’s it Edward, get angry, use it! Now stop trying to fuck me and fuck me!
K-Stew flits her eyelashes in a move well rehearsed in front of the mirror and eventually her combination of psychological abuse and sex appeal overcomes Edward’s nerves.
KRISTEN STEWART : That was totes awesome!!! When are we doing it again, like, right now maybe? Prrrrr. Prrrrrr. Wait I need to tweet about it first … ‘Finallygotitinme#ouch!’
ED A.M. CULLEN : I can hear the death wail of Jacob’s clothes from here.
KRISTEN STEWART : Lolcats! He doesn’t know how to use a phone though, silly.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Hey wait a minute, I’ve hurt you – look at those bruises!! I feel so ashamed …
KRISTEN STEWART : No no, I like it rough! I don’t mind, seriously. Oh shit, you aren’t going to touch me now are you? Come on, touch me, touch me Edward – right here where it’s all mushy…
ED A.M. CULLEN : It’s not safe. I won’t do it. Here, we’re going to play chess instead.
KRISTEN STEWART : Em, what?
ED A.M. CULLEN : Chess. Come, I’ll show you how to play, you’ll love it.
KRISTEN STEWART : I don’t want to play chess you wet fanny! I want to fuck!
ED A.M. CULLEN : Right, that’s it, one more insult like that and I’m drowning you in the bath like a spare kitten. You’re white.
KRISTEN STEWART : Hmphgrrrrrrrrrrr.
One minutes passes.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Checkmate
KRISTEN STEWART : THIS GAME IS RETARDED!
Kristen Stewart launches the board across the room.
K-Stew then pounces at Edward who spends the rest of the day flitting away from her clutches, until she collapses exhausted. Upon awakening the day after ….
KRISTEN STEWART : OMG I just had, like, the best dream ever – I BEAT YOU AT CHESS. I’m totally gushing right now. Pleeeeease fuck me now, pretty please???
ED A.M. CULLEN : OK fine, so long as you play chess with me again later and don’t lose your head again.
KRISTEN STEWART : Deal!
After numerous erotic encounters, two weeks pass and the apple of Edward’s eye realises she’s missed her period.
KRISTEN STEWART : I think I might be, like, pregnant Edward.
ED A.M. CULLEN : ?
KRISTEN STEWART : Can that even happen?
ED A.M. CULLEN : I’ve no idea, I’ve never had to think about it before – the birds and bees talk was a pretty long time ago for me. I’ll call Carlisle, he knows everything.
CARLISLE : Did you use protection?
ED A.M. CULLEN : Em .. well, I was having difficulties so …
CARLISLE : (Sigh) Then, yes, of course it’s possible. Indeed, likely even. Best you come home.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Oh why couldn’t we have just played chess!
KRISTEN STEWART : Aw I’m going to have a little baby!!! Woohoo!!! Wait, you’re still going to turn me into a vampire right?
ED A.M. CULLEN : I’m not doing anything until we get that THING out of you!
KRISTEN STEWART : Don’t talk about baby like that! Besides, I already love it more than you! If it’s a boy I’m calling it Jacob. If it’s a girl it’ll be baby K-Stew after her mommy. I can hang out with the local girls at the supermarket now too. Legend.
BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY : Monster!!!
ED A.M. CULLEN : Yeah, yeah, yeah – I was having issues OK? It’s not my fault, when it comes out I’ll clobber it with a baseball bat, that’ll sort it out. Problem dealt with. Right, lets go.
The happy family return to their satanic lair in the forest, whereupon Jacob visits them and sees a gaunt Kristen Stewart lying under overalls on the couch.
JACOB : You look like shit.
KRISTEN STEWART : Thanks Jacob, it’s nice to see you too.
K-Stew pulls the overalls aside to reveal her bulging abdomen. Jacob immediately punches her full in the stomach.
JACOB : Sorry, reflex, I thought I was under attack – what the fuck is that!
CARLISLE : We’re not sure, it could be anything, no scans known to vampire or humankind can penetrate her belly. I’m really curious to see what comes out of her.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Maybe it’s a squid.
KRISTEN STEWART : Maybe it’s a baby unicorn!
ROSE : Maybe it’s just a baby for goodness sake.
ED A.M. CULLEN : I’ll be ready with the bat regardless.
Jacob begins to bristle and looks about ready to disrobe again, when Edward takes him to the side.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Jacob, I need your help – I want that thing dead. You seem to be able to communicate with her on a level I can’t, see if you can get through to her before it drains her of all her blood.
JACOB : Sure I’ll talk to the stupid cow, but for her sake, not yours.
Jacob soon realises Kristen Stewart is set on keeping her baby, forcing him to take off his clothes and run into the forest in JACOB WOLF form. He decides to approach the leader of his pack for advice.
SAM WOLF : We have to kill it now before it’s born – that thing could be Godzilla when it comes out and wipe out all life as we know it. We have to face the foetus while it’s still weak!
JACOB WOLF : Wait. Aren’t we overreacting a little? I’m beginning to have my doubts.
SAM WOLF : You will kill it Jacob, because I say so and I have bigger teeth than you.
The two fight and Jacob runs off in sedition, now ostracised from wolf society, leaving him no choice but to side with his arch enemies the Cullins. Meanwhile, Edward decides to research vampire babies, but instead of using respectable literature he uses Google picture search, becoming increasingly alarmed at what he may have spawned.
CARLISLE : It seems the growing thing has cracked several of your ribs Bella. Whatever we’re dealing with, it isn’t compatible with your body, it is slowly killing you.
ED A.M. CULLEN : Oh my goodness, it’s going to be just like Alien. I’m not going to live through that scene in real life.
CARLISLE : Actually Edward, I always found the baby alien to be quite cute. I’m happy to have one of them skipping about the place for a while, calling you dad.
KRISTEN STEWART : You have to accept what is Edward.
ED A.M. CULLEN : This marriage was supposed to be about equal say in all things – and I want that thing dead!!! Can’t you see how unreasonable you’re being?!
Time passes and Jacob comes to like the Cullins, largely because he has little choice now, and the young lovers discover their unholy child needs to be fed blood regularly. Edward pretends to make amends and feel the baby kicking, but secretly tries to crush it a little. Kristen Stewart reveals some terrible baby names which everyone pretends to like, when suddenly THE MOST AWFUL CRACK YOU HAVE EVER HEARD resounds throughout the demon mansion as the child of Osiris breaks Kristen Stewart’s spinal column in its demand to be born.
A rush delivery ensues wherein everyone is relieved to find that the baby appears to be normal, though unfortunately it does kill Kristen Stewart in the process of being born, conveniently giving Edward NO CHOICE but to inject her with his venom and begin the process of the eternal damnation of her soul in order to save her hot body. The wolf pack begin their attack, but initially mainly just get smacked in the jowls by the vamps proving largely ineffective, giving Jacob the time to approach the young childling, possibly to kill it in a jealous rage – but when he comes near, he sees a vision of the creature in the future and discovers that she is destined to become a SMOKING HOT REDHEAD.
JACOB : ‘Hmmm, she is going to be totally fucking gorgeous. Wait a minute, no one’s watching. I could imprint on her and she would be mine forever. This would be A) a great investment for the future, B) would mean the Cullins would have to be nice to me, C) would mean the wolf pack would have to bugger off as they can’t harm anyone that’s imprinted with one of their own, making me the hero, and D) would make me a permanent member of Bella’s family where I can do all sorts of damage. Hmm … JACOB WINS!’
Jacob then proceeds to put into action the best idea he’s ever come up with, although it isn’t clear exactly what imprinting with someone actually entails. The day is thus saved, and Kristen Stewart’s body becomes plush once more as the venom takes hold and everyone eagerly awaits the arrival of Bellavamp.
COMING IN PART TWO
BELLAVAMP : You did what? YOU DID FUCKING WHAT?!!! EDWARD YOU ARE AS FUCKING USEFUL AS A WOODEN TAMPON!!! You let the guy you hate most in the entire fucking universe imprint on your newly born child in your fucking home and now she belongs to him?!!!!
JACOB : Oh yeah!
BELLAVAMP : YOU ARE PATHETIC!!!!
Bellavamp bitch slaps Edward in front of his entire family, plus their extended family of Jacob.
Later on, everyone dies.
Except they don’t. Except they do, kind of.