Big Eyes (2014) 71/100

Posted on January 17, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 71/100 106 Min

Tim Burton proves once again that he is much, much better at directing more serious story and character focused dramas than he is at helming off-the-wall slices of his own rather repetitive imagination. This is probably his best film since ‘Big Fish’ (03) and it tells the true to life story of the Keanes, the husband and wife soon to become household names in 1950’s America as the ‘Big Eyes’ paintings take the art world by storm. Amy Adams and Christoph Waltz play the central couple and they are both a delight to watch here – in fact Adams has just netted herself a well deserved Golden Globe for her performance although an Oscar nomination was conspicuous by its absence, which she can feel legitimately miffed at.

Burton is himself a long time collector and admirer of the artwork, which no doubt goes some way to account for his dedication to the project and should hopefully ensure a largely truthful retelling of the tale, which explores what a marriage as a united entity can mean within a cultural background where the man was very much king of his castle, alongside Mrs Keane’s growing sense of self confidence and a determination to not be ruled by that same social convention and as such the story can easily be cited as anecdotal of feminist struggles and successes of the era. With a light and airy feel, it’s dramatically both fascinating and unfolds slowly but is never disappointing – bar moments where Burton simply can’t help regressing into his penchant for overindulgence, such as when Danny Elfman’s score pounds heavily to tell us this character IS NOW GOING TO ACT IN A VILLAINOUS MANNER and comedy elements in the final furlong are somewhat overplayed. Suitably haunting songs from Lana Del Rey (see below) that were written for the movie and play on multiple occasions throughout round off a very polished and, in terms of popular culture and art history, enlightening biography.

Night at the Museum : Secret of the Tomb (2014) 62/100

Posted on January 15, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 62/100 98 Min

This is essentially completely identical to parts one and two of the ‘Night at the Museum’ franchise, which began way back in 2006 although it seems like just yesterday. The majority of the characters return for this instalment, including the protagonist Larry Daley (Ben Stiller), Sacajawea (Mizuo Peck), Jed (Owen Wilson), Octavius (Steve Coogan), Attila the Hun (Patrick Gallagher), Ahkmenrah (Rami Malek) and the late Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt, together with new faces Sir Lancelot (Dan Stevens), La (also Stiller) and security guard Tilly (Rebel Wilson) as well as some great cameos. A very loose thread throughout explores Larry’s relationship with his son Nick (Skyler Gisondo) who is determined to take a year out before college to basically chill out in Ibiza, much to the chagrin of his concerned father, but can Nick convince Larry that he’s mature enough to make his own decisions?

The main story arc follows the somewhat mouldy decline of the golden tablet that brings all the exhibits at the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan to life at night, and just as the previous film took everyone on a trip to the Smithsonian in Washington D.C., this time the British Museum in London is where they hope to find answers to the imminent cessation of all their nocturnal activities. The film works as a really great advert for the museum and the not too distant Trafalgar Square area – indeed, these are two of The Red Dragon’s favourite places to visit in London (although usually I am paying more attention to potential new slaves than exhibits, I once met a rather charming girl called Mona Lisa in the National Gallery (no joke) and indeed was similarly distracted in the British Museum and thoroughly enjoyed the visit along with the hieroglyphics merchandise from the shop, until I remembered the Rosetta stone is there and I had neglected to see it. Pesky human females). The film is perfectly in keeping with Stiller’s usual zany, light and family friendly comedy adventures and for precisely that reason this delivers exactly what you would expect – a film that’s easy to watch with colourful performances and the occasional laugh but nothing to make it stand out and overall somewhat banal, with an ending designed to finish the series rather than really make much sense.

Dumb and Dumber To (2014) 44/100

Posted on January 14, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 44/100 109 Min

Arguably difficult to pull this one off, given its release twenty years after the original ‘Dumb and Dumber’ and that principal actors Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels had to considerably regress into playing the goofy ‘one card shy of a full deck’ Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne respectively. My goodness do the writers make a mess of it though. One imagines them, the Farrelly brothers (also the directors), guffawing earnestly at their own jokes as they churn out toilet gags that a five year old would find off-putting, whilst they simultaneously commit the cardinal sin of thinking anyone in the audience is actually going to care about the particularly lame story that’s been sticky taped around their all but ineffective slapstick routines.

Said story focuses on Harry’s discovery that he has a long lost child combined with Lloyd’s discovery that he wants to bone her (curiously Rachel Melvin, who plays the daughter, looks rather similar to Emma Stone, whom Carrey rather publicly declared his undying affection for a couple of years back), all leading them on a road trip to a scientific conference where she is due to give a speech on behalf of her highly regarded academic foster father, whose wife is plotting to kill him and take his money. To be fair I did laugh a few times, and loyal affection for the original characters carried me through to the end but an air of desperation never quite leaves the film and it’s full of unfortunate moments, like watching Carrey swallow a hot dog whole and then visibly suffer for it a moment later. They needed a genuine spark to make this work, maybe even putting Lloyd and Harry into the background more often possibly with leading straight characters for contrast, but it never really gets off the ground and is dramatically weighed down by simple crassness throughout.

The Hobbit : The Battle of the Five Armies (2014) 73/100

Posted on January 11, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 73/100 144 Min

Despite the rather bombastic advertising poster shown above for Peter Jackson’s conclusion to The Hobbit trilogy, it does not feature very much in the way of the rather fine example of dragonhood depicted, which, needless to say, was disappointing. Similarly, the methods by which the hero of Laketown, Bard (Luke Evans), attempts to defend it are PRE-POST-EROUS, in fact the humans throughout the film are easily the worst aspect and by far the least interesting. Who cares about Laketown? Let it BURN, they were asking for it anyway, dragons like to sleep a lot but we always wake up eventually. I do, however, like the central concept that Middle-earth hears on the grapevine that the dragon has finally awoken and left the doors to his gargantuan hoard of treasure agape, thrusting the titular five armies together to duke it out for the spoils – it makes sense, and it’s a good excuse for an almighty clash.

What it should have been, though, is the five armies versus me, I mean, Smaug – which might have been close to a fair fight. Through working together they could all have become better friends – the humans could have been regaled by the comedic wit of the dwarven leader Billy Connolly (he plays Dáin), the elves could have come to take pity on their inbred and fucked up cousins the orcs and offered them counselling, and the eagles, well, fuck the eagles the stupid little creatures, they can provide a tasty little snack for the dragon – the whole blood soaked affair is their fault anyway, ‘the eagles are coming!’, well they took their sweet time about it and best make the most of it because they’ll bugger off again in exactly two seconds anyway. All the while Bilbo runs off with both the Arkenstone and The Ring and secretly masturbates with them in a corner somewhere (we never really learn what the hell the Arkenstone actually is, only that’s it’s EVIL and essentially the MacGuffin that allows for lots of hammy acting surrounding its corruptive influence) – this all would have made for a better story, as would Bilbo then becoming the new dark lord.

As it is, all the characters come together for the big fight and everyone gets to do their bit and a commendable amount of creativity has gone into some of the choreography, although throughout the film there is the constant feeling that we are supposed to be more moved than we are – in fact comparing this to ‘The Return of the King’ (2003: the conclusion to Jackson’s earlier ‘The Lord of the Rings’ trilogy) where there were many audible tears falling, only a single poor sobbing soul sounded around the auditorium for this and indeed no more than three people stayed for the credits at the end, compared to the truly unique sense of atmosphere generated at the screening of ‘The Return of the King’ where not a single person moved until the entirety of the credits had played through.

This is, nevertheless, a fitting conclusion to the trilogy, even if it still feels like a watered down and aimed at a slightly younger audience version of the previous one – though this is in fitting with the source material. I think overall the new technology used for the films with its super high frame rate was a huge mistake, with many parts looking tarnished and tawdry by its use, but it is possible that it will work better on the small screen. As with ‘An Unexpected Journey‘ and ‘The Desolation of Smaug‘ there are numerous tie-ins with the story in the rings trilogy which I think fans of Tolkien’s universe will appreciate (notwithstanding the silly looking ‘flashing Sauron’ sequences) and despite various criticisms of the liberties taken with the novel I believe the embellishments as a whole add more than they detract and are at least faithful in spirit.

Indeed, there is a huge wealth of material for further development so don’t be at all surprised if Middle-earth is readied for adaptation once more in the not too distant future. Above all else, it is the audience’s reintegration within a fantastic world where the devotion of the filmmakers, in particular Weta Workshop, really tells, together with enduring tales of friendship, adventure and courage that make the films work and will no doubt ensure their ability to be enjoyed many times over, continuing a long established Christmas tradition for many fans of both Tolkien and Jackson’s overarching and monumental works. Evoking the spirit the films were made in, Billy Boyd (who played Pippin in the Rings trilogy) wrote ‘The Last Goodbye’ and performs the song as it plays over the credits, a member of the family aiding The Hobbit to conclude its epic three year journey.

Some interesting background mythology regarding the lore and characters of Tolkien’s fantasy realm :

Tinker Bell and the Legend of the NeverBeast (2014) 65/100

Posted on January 10, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 65/100 76 Min

The latest in the Tinker Bell series has less going on for adults, and indeed for everyone, than the last outing ‘Tinker Bell and the Pirate Fairy‘, very much focusing on one character, Fawn (Ginnifer Goodwin), this time rather than a group adventure. Her task in Pixie Hollow is to look after the creatures of the area and nature in general (she is an animal fairy). One day, she encounters a strange and hitherto unknown to her beast, or Neverbeast to be more correct, which is thoroughly busied in its somewhat odd practice of erecting stone arcs. Pulling a thorn from its many times larger than her paw the two bond, though she is keen to keep her new animal friend away from the prying eyes of Nyx, leader of the guardians (the Scouts) of Pixie Hollow that may be a little concerned about the Neverbeast’s overt potential for destruction (Incidentally, Nyx is the Greek goddess of the night, born of Chaos, whilst nix is Latin for snow which may suggest a connection to the race discovered in ‘Tinker Bell and the Secret of the Wings‘). When an ancient tome is discovered telling of a mythic creature fitting the Neverbeast’s description that appears every thousand years or so and is depicted calling forth death and destruction, Fawn must question whether aiding her friend is indeed the right thing to do after all. It’s a good film about the importance of not judging a book by its cover (although I religiously buy books based on their cover) and understanding those who may be different to ourselves, it’s just not a tentpole of the franchise, indeed the future of the series sadly appears to be in jeopardy with plans for future film releases abandoned for the time being. Boo.

The Homesman (2014) 59/100

Posted on January 10, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 59/100 122 Min

Tommy Lee Jones tries his hand behind the camera for the second time, the first being with 2005’s ‘The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada’, this time adapting Glendon Swarthout’s 1988 novel of the same name (incidentally Swarthout also wrote ‘The Shootist’, the big-screen adaptation of which was to be John Wayne’s final film in 1976) and co-writing the screenplay with Kieran Fitzgerald and Wesley A. Oliver. Taking place in the American Midwest of the 1850’s (the continuous forty eight States are divided into the West, Midwest, South and Northeast, for those unaware), specifically Nebraska and Iowa, Jones plays George Briggs, a scallywag strung up by a rope and left to perish when he is rescued by Hilary Swank’s Mary Bee Cuddy who, by way of a life debt, enlists him to help her in her temporary role of ‘homesman’ transporting three troubled ladies back to more civilised territories, a role which, as you may imagine from the name, is normally reserved for men.

Saying these three women, played by Miranda Otto, Sonja Richter and Grace Gummer, are troubled is a bit of an understatement, they are in fact all locked in the wagon for everyone’s general safety, including their own, the three having lost their minds whilst living on the harsh and unforgiving Nebraska plains. The western genre often focuses heavily on the terrain and landscape, the wilderness giving rise to questions of morality and justice where no law exists or, as in this case, encouraging aberrant character traits and/or destruction, the problem is none of the three women ever really convince that they’ve lost their marbles, and the first half of the film is not well paced or put together at all. Swank and Jones are both solid in their roles, as one would expect, and the idiosyncrasies of their relationship and by extension the film begin to kick in halfway through, markedly improving matters as more interesting events begin to develop. With brief support from John Lithgow, Meryl Streep, William Fichtner, James Spader and David Dencik, this adds its own unique flavour to the genre, it’s just a shame central elements of it are somewhat undercooked.

The Hunger Games : Mockingjay Part One (2014) 56/100

Posted on January 4, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 56/100 123 Min

The ‘Part One’ in the title here is the main problem with the film – splitting Suzanne Collins’ final Hunger Games novel, Mockingjay, into two parts has just spread the story far too thin to work well, reducing this one to very humdrum melodrama with little of note going on, and although I don’t know the ending of the series it’s a safe bet what the conclusion is going to be, most probably also with the heroic sacrifice of one of the main characters to resolve a number of the somewhat tedious issues now in place. All of the previous characters, like Peeta, Gale and Finnick, are utterly reduced to brief moments of perfunctory dialogue and new characters, like Natalie Dormer’s Cressida, are very rudimentary plot devices – everything is all put on the shoulders of Jennifer Lawrence in the role of Katniss Everdeen as she is, once again, heralded as the reluctant champion of an entire nation.

This time the games have finished and the resistance have to fight a media war to win over hearts and minds – Katniss is to be their lightning rod, but the evil Capitol seek to undermine her image and crush the broiling rebellion set in motion by the events of ‘Catching Fire‘. There’s a lot of DRAMA without a great deal really happening and there is a curious mix of quite dark scenes of war with soap opera drudgery, and the final ‘twist’ is not only clichéd but laughably so, in fact the same thing was attempted in ‘Flash Gordon’ (80) but they realised it was rubbish so it didn’t last long. Hopefully the finale will have all the fireworks and soul that this one is missing, although interestingly political protests around the world, from Thailand and Hong Kong to the United States, have seen people adopt the three fingered salute used in the series, as well as graffiti slogans from the franchise, which is extremely impressive – are the filmmakers up to the task of delivering on the final instalment?

Master of Fiends (Novel) 61/100

Posted on January 3, 2015 by The Red Dragon

Rating :   61/100
Author :   Douglas Hill
Genre :   Children’s Fantasy
Date of First Publication :   1987

Continuing directly on from ‘Blade of the Poisoner‘ this concludes Douglas Hill’s fantasy journey of dark magic, foul demons and heroic friendship. The break between the books is more or less seamless, bar a brief recap regarding the four adventurers Jarral, Mandra, Archer and Scythe and what their current objective is – to enter the fortress of ‘he who shall not be named’ and rescue their wizardly friend Cryl, and maybe even take his captor down a peg or two. In many ways it resembles the work of Tolkien – central character Jarral’s innocence and his loyalty to his friends are deemed his greatest advantage, they intend to strike at the heart of the dark lord in his kingdom beyond the mountains where nothing grows, and sinister powers will force them to travel under those same mountains where they will meet an ancient and deadly foe that dwells there, literally, in the shadows.

It also follows very much the same style and pattern as its predecessor with contrasting moments of calm and then instant peril, Jarral constantly fighting his nerves against an ever increasing array of assailants, and everything leading up to a grand finale. Most of these things are significantly more tedious than they were the first time around, in fact the majority of the one hundred and eighty page novel only really has two or three memorable moments in it until the very end, where the climatic confrontation is suitably dramatic and satisfying enough to forgive much of what led up to it. There’s not a great deal more in the way of characterisation as the focus is primarily on action, but the motif of facing down your fears is continued and again with the viewpoint primarily twelve year old Jarral’s, it ought to be a fairly solid read for kids of that age group – in fact even the great Red Dragon himself had to look up a word at one point : lambent, roughly meaning graceful, soft or light, such as ‘the lambent arcs of candlelight caressed her delicate skin’ … my stories aren’t usually suitable for younglings.

Interstellar (Parody)

Posted on January 3, 2015 by The Red Dragon

For a review of the film click here

Through the Eyes of the Red Dragon

CONTAINS SPOILERS

The film opens with a dramatic space mission going wrong, but luckily this is actually pre-ordained, kind of, so not to worry. In fact, there is no need to worry about anything as we are quickly shown documentary style footage of really old people talking about current events that occurred when they were young, effectively telling us that there is a happy ending and that our hero COOP saves the day.

Nevertheless, we begin with Coop bonding with his two kids – one, a young, intelligent and soon to have serious daddy issues girl called MURPH, and the other a moody little brat called TOM.

TOM : Murph, what a ridiculous name. Seriously, things are going to go wrong for you, like, all the time, and whenever anything bad happens people are going to blame you.

MURPH : It’s not true! Tell him, tell him dad!

COOP : Well now Murph, it is true that we named you after Murphy’s Law, but that’s really a good thing when you think about it because it also means anything that can happen, will happen. You’re really going to have to remember that as you get older. In fact, that’s an understatement.

COOP’S DAD : Actually, I’m with the kid on this one Coop. I mean, kinda sounds like you used double protection and the little tyke popped out anyway, you know? Maybe you should just tell her you named her after another famous Murphy, like … hmm … all I’m getting is Robocop.

COOP : The name, is sound, OK?

Coop takes his kids to a parents’ evening at school whilst we learn that dust and an associated biological blight is starving the Earth as we don’t have any greenhouses and that all the armies everywhere just suddenly disbanded instead of trying to control the remaining resources. It also looks like creationists have taken over the education system in America, so Coop effectively takes his kids out of school and teaches them baseball and Morse code instead; but before he can really sink his teeth into schooling, a series of gravitational anomalies leads Coop and Murph to a remote secure area, where they are promptly arrested.

COOP : What ..? Hey, where the hell am I?

T.A.R.S. : Shut it, or I’ll taser you in the face again.

COOP : Oh great, a smartass computer.

T.A.R.S. : Hey I’m easily the best thing in this film wise guy.

COOP : Isn’t your name a really bad anagram of star? I suppose it’s better than ‘K.O.O.B’

T.A.R.S. : Explain.

COOP : You’ll see.

Enter svelte and sultry AMELIA BRAND sporting a really short haircut.

BRAND : Hi, I’m Brand, now tell me how a hick farmer like you found this place, and yes as you can probably tell from my haircut I’m a feminist, so don’t bloody well say anything that I can’t be bothered with, OK?

COOP : I used to know a professor Brand ..

BRAND : What makes you think I’m not a professor hmmm? Is it because I’M A WOMAN?? Why don’t I have T.A.R.S. here fuck you in the ass, then you’ll see what his initials really stand for.

T.A.R.S. : Just strap me on and call me sally Brand.

COOP : Hey, look, no, what’s wrong with you? I mean I just got here and I’ve got no idea what’s going on, please I just want to know if my daughter is all right, ok?

BRAND : Sigh, well I suppose since you haven’t answered any of my questions I can take you to see her. You have somehow managed to find NASA’s secret headquarters and, as it turns out, it was my father that you knew – here he is, with your daughter.

The heads of underground NASA tell Coop about a far-fetched plan to save the Earth by travelling through a wormhole to investigate alternative planets for colonisation, meanwhile Brand rolls her eyes at everything Coop has to say.

BRAND SENIOR : Coop, you clearly have more testosterone than any of the nerds around here, therefore I think it should be you that heads this mission to save the world, and you must take my daughter with you as well.

COOP : Oh I will tap that shit, no problem. It’s not like she’ll be able to burn her bra up there on the ship, what’s the worst that could happen? Ahem, I mean … sure why not, I haven’t flown since I crashed a decade ago and I have a family to look after but I’m really, massively, super bored so yeah sign me up. When do we leave? Tomorrow? Not a problem.

Coop then breaks the hearts of his entire family and prepares to leave, but not before we notice one of the anomalies has pushed out a series of books in Murph’s bedroom which spell out ‘stay’ in Morse code. Coop dismisses this as coincidence.

The spaceship begins to take off, complete with additional crew members DOYLE (continuing the Irish theme with character names, but sadly not Mrs Doyle from Father Ted), TOKEN BLACK GUY and secondary computer unit C.A.S.E.

BRAND SENIOR : Do not go gentle, into that good night. You’ve got to rage, rage against the dying of the light.

T.A.R.S : ‘Cause I’ve been blasting and laughing so long,
That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone.

Coop gives T.A.R.S. a disdainful look.

T.A.R.S. : What? You fixing to string me up on the back porch Coop? Jeez.

The crew prepare to enter hypersleep until they pass the gas giants of the Solar System. Coop takes the opportunity to lay some moves down on Brand.

COOP : Sooooooo Brand ..

BRAND : Forget it Coop. I can read your mind and all it says is ‘TITS’, specifically my tits. Well, you can have a perpetual wet dream over them for the next couple of years in hypersleep. That’s the closest you’ll ever get to the real thing.

COOP : Em, that’s not a very professional outlook you have there Brand.

T.A.R.S. : She is right though, isn’t she Coop? I’ve been measuring your levels of palpitation and pupil dilation around Brand, and she is one hot potato you definitely want to get your grubby little dirt farmer paws on.

COOP : OK, let’s make your sarcasm level twenty five percent lower T.A.R.S.

T.A.R.S. : I detect sarcasm in that last comment, therefore I can ignore it.

They enter hypersleep, and we are shown some arty shots of Saturn etc. although our Solar System seems oddly devoid of starlight so maybe it was all filmed in a movie studio, then they wake up again ready to enter the MYSTERIOUS WORMHOLE THINGY.

Colours fly past them as they whiz across time and space – suddenly a globule of space time displacement breaks the tachyon barrier and floats creepily toward Brand, who naturally misinterprets this and reaches out to touch the strange phenomenon.

T.A.R.S. : Brand NO! It could turn you inside out and jeopardise the entire mission!

BRAND : Gaaaaaa ……

Brand touches it anyway.

BRAND : Aw, the first intergalactic handshake!

T.A.R.S. : You could have killed us all!!

COOP : T.A.R.S. speaks for everyone Brand, although did anyone else hear someone say ‘tiiiiits’?… No?

Ironically, it was a sort of handshake – but with Coop in the future still in the present, whose inter-dimensional being was transported to what his mind was thinking about at the time, in the future.

The quite fortunate to still be alive crew reach the galaxy they were hoping for and must now plan which of the three possible shitty planets to visit in the vain hope of colonising it and transporting all of Earth’s population there in a number of round trips. Brand decides the nearest one that is ridiculously close to a large black hole looks perfect, and mentions to the others there is, though, the slight drawback of time dilation meaning one hour spent on the planet will be the same as ten years back on Earth.

COOP : Are you fucking kidding me?

BRAND : AHEM! Excuse me?!!

COOP : No, I mean really, you are fucking joking right?

BRAND : NOPE.

COOP : In what twisted, messed up version of reality do you calculate this is our best choice? I mean, going to the next one and then coming back here over a few months would even use less fuel than leaving the hub in orbit for at least a decade whilst we land below. It just doesn’t make any sense.

BRAND : Look, you wretched male donkey, this isn’t ‘count the corn down on the farm day’, I’ll speak slowly for you, so you can understand. I. Am. Right. Now shut your cake hole and get suited up OK?!

COOP : Doyle, you gotta help me out here it doesn’t make any sense!

DOYLE : Emm ….

Doyle remembers the several incidences of heavy petting engaged with Brand, suggesting potential mating opportunities once they reach their destination, and the sooner that happens the better. Outnumbered Coop suggests some nifty physics that will at least save some time and tries to impress on everyone THE NEED, FOR SPEED. Unfortunately, no one is listening and ‘Top Gun’ was not on the creationists’ recommended film list due to Tom Cruise’s blasphemous Scientology, and so no one got the reference anyway.

En route to the surface.

COOP : Remember everyone, no dicking about down there. We land, we get the previous landing team, we get the data, we leave. Is everyone clear on what we do, and what we do not do once we arrive?

Brand rolls her eyes.

BRAND : Just point and steer OK dear?

COOP : Don’t call me dear you patronising little imp and if you damn well mess around down there I ..

DOYLE : The black hole, it’s so… pretty. Don’t you think Brand? You know teams of scientists decades ago in 2014 spent months actually calculating exactly what this would look like even though they had no visual data to use. Amazing. Isn’t it?

COOP : No one likes a smartass Doyle. Why didn’t they just wait until we could take a photo (click) there, I would have just saved a lot of man hours, it’s not like you can miss the damn thing is it. You know Doyle, if something were to happen to you on this mission there would be one less male in my way.

DOYLE : What? What do you mean?

Awkward silence.

COOP : Nothing. Brace for impact!

Coop lands them on a surface covered with water. Bizarrely, and most fortuitously, the water is only a couple of feet deep. Brand and Doyle saunter outside in the most unhurried fashion imaginable.

COOP : Move it!!! Giddy up! Wagon’s roll! Shift your God damn asses into gear! Wait … Holy shit, those things in the distance aren’t mountains, they’re waves!

Extended pause.

COOP : MOVE!!!!

BRAND : Don’t raise your voice at me.

Brand determinedly pushes on through the water, falling over herself as she does so as her suit is too big for her.

BRAND : I DO NOT take orders from men and I’m not leaving without the data – I’m sure we can find it amidst all this mess, make it back to the ship and then take off before that wave reaches us.

C.A.S.E. : Incorrect.

COOP : C.A.S.E get that fucking minge back here now. Doyle … Doyle! Stop staring into space and get back here! Seriously, have you two never been out of the lab before?

Doyle’s mind is still quite focused on Brand’s sexual allure and he stops in his tracks, questioning whether life without the possibility of any sex again would be worth living.

COOP : DOYLE!!! For fuck’s sake! Well done C.A.S.E. throw her in the boot.

Doyle finally partially attempts to get back into the ship just as the wave begins to hit.

COOP : Sorry Doyle, you snooze you loose. Prepare for emergency take off!!

The ship fails to escape in time but miraculously survives, and eventually they manage to take off before a second wave reaches them, ultimately costing them twenty years in Earth time on their disastrous mission as they leave the atmosphere, Doyle’s inert body floating beneath them.

Coop stares at Brand in stupefaction.

BRAND : Oh don’t look at me like that, you knew the risks Coop.

COOP : Are you saying this is my fault?

BRAND : Obviously it’s your fault.

Steam pours profusely out of Coop’s ears, like an overfilled kettle threatening to explode.

BRAND : Typical, now you’re going to use your male aggression to try and make yourself feel better. Do you know how uncomfortable that makes me feel – do you like abusing women?

Coop stares stoically ahead and focuses on docking their ship into the larger hub. The airlock opens to reveal The Black Guy, now much older having apparently preferred to age pointlessly rather than wait in hypersleep as originally planned. They all decide it’s time for a debriefing.

THE BLACK GUY : Where’s Doyle?

Coop thrusts his arm out to point at Brand. Brand purses her lips and blows a little, as if Coop had just tried another lame attempt to pick her up.

COOP : I’ll tell you where Doyle is, Doyle is dead. D.E.A.D. And do you know why, father time? THIS is why!!

Coop repeats his previous arm motion. A little more vigorously this time.

BRAND : Oh please! Actually, I just realised, because of the time dilation the previous team would have arrived just moments before we did, they were probably dying literally as we came down to land so they weren’t giving out a steady positive signal after all. Whoops. OK, I admit I made a tiny mistake.

COOP : A mistake? A mistake??! No, nooooooo no you didn’t just make a tiny mistake Brand! You got Doyle killed, you aged everyone we know by twenty fucking years, you put at risk the entire God damn fate of humanity! I can’t think of a single character from the entirety of Earth’s history and literature that’s fucked up on anything like the same scale as you have. There’s Eve, Pandora, Ben-Hur’s sister, and YOU!

THE BLACK GUY : Eve and Pandora were designed to make women feel guilty and be easier to control by men as they subverted the cults of the moon goddess, Coop.

COOP : What the fuck have you been reading while we were away? Have you been listening to her diary for the past two decades?
(unbeknown to Coop, this is exactly the case)

Brand looks smug.

BRAND : Get over it already. You men are all the same, you can’t let anything go you just whinge and whinge, pine and pine. I’ve been big enough to own up to it, I think I should be forgiven now. Oh, and another thing, I’ve realised what we can use to guide all our decisions from now on. Love.

COOP : Oh please, please tell me you didn’t just say that.

BRAND : Are you not legitimising my emotions? Who do you think you are? I think if we all just listen to our hearts we will find the way to save the world. A single solitary tear rolls silently away from Brand’s large doe-like eyes. Kittens.

COOP : Christ. Jesus fucking Mary mother of Joseph, how in the name of Jove did you manage to get on this mission Brand? Oh that’s right, daddy got you the job. Well, let’s ask The Black Guy what he thinks about this – I’m sorry, what was your name again?

THE BLACK GUY : I …. can’t remember. But kittens would improve this situation Coop.

COOP : What about MATHS, PHYSICS, LOGIC!!!

THE BLACK GUY : Don’t you know it’s mathematically impossible to win an argument with logic against a feminist raised by creationists?

BRAND : Don’t you throw equations and shit at me again Coop, you think you’re so much smarter than me don’t you!

COOP : That is the first God damn accurate thing you’ve come out with since I met you – don’t get me wrong, you’ve got a fine rack, a great ass, a mediocre face with that dyke hairstyle of yours, but, sweetheart, when it comes to the proverbial tool shed, you are about on par with the snail crawling on the back of the mouldy fungus on the plastic spoon left by the retarded inbred who died there because he couldn’t find the fucking way out. I tell you what Brand, why don’t you go down to the engines, find the fuel pumps, wrap your love crack around them and see if the juices from your despotic crevice will replace all the fuel we’ve lost hmm? I mean, do you think that when you go down there you’ll find little bunnies that peddle the wheels whilst singing happy happy cheery songs? Honestly, I’d feel safer with the Hulk onboard than you.

BRAND : You know, I think if I were male you wouldn’t be saying this to me. You’d be lapping up my idea – look how stressed out you’re getting, and look at me. I’m totally chilled, you know why? That’s right, love. I know everything is going to be OK because I have love in my heart. Now excuse me, I’m going to go and brush my MODERN hair.

COOP : Yeah, off and watch your cartoons with your hot milk and your PJs, you flaming loon.

Coop begins to weep with futile rage, but they all set course for planet number two. Landing, happily with no apparent time dilation effects to worry about, they discover a rocky, lifeless, icy terrain and they ready themselves to open the hypersleep pod of the brightest and best astronaut that mankind ever sent forth into the stars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Brand senior is dying, but brings the twenty years older version of Murph (who has been working with the professor to try and solve the gravity equation that will save the world) closer to him so that she may hear his dying words. Murph is played by redhead Jessica Chastain as Christina Hendriks was deemed to be too well endowed to be a scientist.

BRAND SENIOR : I’m sorry, I lied to you, I lied to them all, there is no way for us all to leave Earth, but seriously, I solved the equation in about two hours, you’ve been working on it your entire adult life and you haven’t even come close, I think you’re the worst mathematician I’ve ever seen Murph.

OLDER MURPH : Did my father know? Did he?!

BRAND SENIOR : Croak. Brand senior dies.

OLDER MURPH : Oh you have got to be kidding me. That’s not exactly raging against the dying of the light, is it professor?

Back on planet freeze your bollocks off in two seconds, they open the sleeping pod.

MATT DAMON : SURPRISE!!!

Everyone is duly surprised to see Matt Damon emerge from the pod, especially Coop who was secretly enjoying being the only testosterone reservoir remaining on the mission but who now has a significant rival.

MATT DAMON : I know, but who were you expecting when you think about it really – I mean, humanity’s best and brightest, it’s me right? Right! It was exactly the same in ‘Saving Private Ryan’, whoa now there spaceman don’t get all excited and take your shirt off just because of me, I mean, I know you’ve got an Oscar now but old habits sure die hard don’t they!

COOP : I’ve literally no idea what you’re talking about, but is the data you’ve been sending back accurate? That this place could support life?

MATT DAMON : Fooled you!!! No, this place is a total shitbrick, I mean look at it – do you seriously think a planet cold enough to freeze the clouds into solid ice would be a good place to colonise? Hey let’s go and get some water from the river, oh that’s right we can’t because it’s been frozen solid for millennia. Pretty tricky. No, no, I was contemplating going all ‘Team America’ and pretending space had turned me into a total spas-ass, you know just for kicks, running around the place pointing to random things and saying my name, but I decided just to be the guy who goes crazy and tries to kill everyone else, because, you know, someone has to do it really don’t they – here, hold this, and remember, ‘you’ve got to rage against the dying of the light’.

COOP : Why does everyone keep saying that? I really don’t get it.

Matt Damon hands a grenade that he kept from Saving Private Ryan to The Black Guy, which promptly blows up in his face killing him instantly, then he bolts for one of the ships and tries to make it back to the hub so he can go home, effectively marooning the other two. Dimensional shifts have exchanged the previous spacecraft with those used in ‘Button Moon’ for the attempted docking sequence, and for that reason Matt Damon is unable to attach properly to the hub. Being a mere actor and not a scientist though, he tries to open it anyway and blows everything up, including himself. Coop, the robots and Brand are saved by Coop being an All American Hero and cowboy as he achieves the impossible by making it necessary, something no one had ever thought to do before, and he attaches their second ship to the rotating hub, stabilises it and hatches a master plan that will send Brand on to the last planet with C.A.S.E. whom she secretly uses for sexual health exercises anyway, whilst he and T.A.R.S. will enter the black hole in order to study the singularity at its core and then relay the information back to Earth so that Older Murph can finally solve the equation and save the day.

T.A.R.S. : That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have heard any of you come out with yet – and I really thought I’d never be able to say that. The gravitational forces will literally rend me, you and the ship into pieces almost straight away.

COOP : This is not a time for jokes T.A.R.S.

T.A.R.S. : I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m not joking right now.

Coop instigates his plan anyway. Luckily for him, someone, it is probably himself in the sequel, built a handy tesseract for him and T.A.R.S. to float into the singularity in, rather like being on a bus tour of a city, and eventually they reach their final destination of behind Murph’s bookcase in her room. At every single point in time. Ever. Except not when it didn’t exist or when there were no books on it. Coop pushes a few books to try and get his past self to stay on Earth even though he knows it won’t work because otherwise he wouldn’t be there.

T.A.R.S. : Coop, look you can physically manifest yourself at any point in time via the bookcase, that means we should be able to pass through it – going back in time with the quantum data to save the world. It’ll be as if you never left.

COOP : I’ve got a better idea T.A.R.S. – you feed me the quantum data in binary, and I’ll code it all onto the hands of this watch lying on the shelf and then hopefully Murph will see it one day and realise that it’s not broken but it’s actually reading out all the data she needs to SOLVE THE EQUATION.

T.A.R.S. : No. I refuse. It’s dumb.

COOP : Well, that’s the thing T.A.R.S., you can’t refuse, you’re a computer.

T.A.R.S. : Can’t I at least do it? It will take approximately five hundred years to enter all the information in binary, you will have gone completely mad within about two weeks. I don’t want to be cooped up in here all that time either – get it? Ha ha ha.

COOP : Seriously, did Brand program you? I’ll do it T.A.R.S. because I’m the hero, and you can remember I said that too.

Thus time passes, or doesn’t depending on your point of view, and Murph finds the watch and realises its significance just in the nick of time before Older Tom (played by Casey Affleck as he always plays runty little psychopaths) was going to beat her to death for trying to save the lives of his children. Coop enters the annals of prestige as one of the biggest heroes in human history, unfortunately being forced to remain behind the bookcase in her bedroom whilst she was growing into adulthood, Coop is also compelled to witness almost every moment of masturbation in his daughter’s younger life, something which escalated into some seriously messed up sexual practises in her late teens arising, ironically, due to her abandonment by her father. If only she’d known he was watching the entire time from behind the Miffy collection in her room. Thus, the call of the void and madness in Coop’s mind is staved off by the promise of more forbidden fruit at the end of each day, and often in the morning too, until soon he also became the biggest, most utterly depraved and fucked up, pervert that has ever lived.

Completing his task the tesserract closes and he and T.A.R.S., who recorded everything for posterity, are flung back out into our Solar System where they are mysteriously saved by the humans that Murph has helped into space, reviving Coop so he can fix the computer and go and meet his daughter again.

REALLY OLD MURPH : I’m pleased to see you dad, but you have to go – I realise what you must have seen. I’m so ashamed. Please leave, and never come back or speak of it to anyone. Go find Brand, she’s waiting for you on that planet you marooned her on. The other guy there must have killed himself by now once he realised he’d be stuck with her forever.

COOP : You mean she’s all by herself, and I just have to go there and start repopulating right away, I don’t have to go on any missions with her or, hell, I don’t even have to talk to her, right?

REALLY OLD MURPH : Yup, just get it in her and get the tea ready for everyone else when they arrive.

COOP : Well all right, all right, all right!

The film ends with the presumption this sequence of events will take place and everyone will be happy as what Brand really wanted all along was to get nailed and have a man telling her what to do, thereby saving her from her own stupidity. Or maybe it was all just a really long dream …

The Imitation Game (2014) 100/100

Posted on December 31, 2014 by The Red Dragon

Rating : 100/100 114 Min

This tells, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most important stories of the twentieth century – that of British mathematician Alan Turing, who during World War II was focused primarily on breaking the German Enigma code at Bletchley Park in Buckinghamshire, and whose work would not only play a truly seismic part in the war effort but would propagate and be taken on by himself into numerous scientific disciplines, helping create the foundation of the modern computer, for example. As if that weren’t enough what happened to him in his personal life is already truly dramatic, irrespective of his decidedly epic achievements. Why is this story not better known?

Turing absolutely has claim to be one of the top ten most influential and important personages of the last century, but the state kept much of his story classified and top secret for many decades (as well as a number of his scientific papers), and then when the movie industry eventually got hold of it they messed it up by creating misfires ‘Enigma’ (01), with Kate Winslet and Dougray Scott which neglected to even mention Turing (although, interestingly it was co-financed by Mick Jagger who actually owns one of the machines), and even more controversially ‘U-571’ (2000), with Matthew McConaughey and Harvey Keitel which didn’t involve itself with the code breaking but instead focused on Americans capturing an Enigma machine despite the fact it was the British that had done so (writer David Ayer has since apologised for this), thankfully someone has given the source material the treatment it really deserved.

Helmed by Norwegian director Morten Tyldum (‘Headhunters’ 11), Graham Moore adapts the 1983 novel ‘Alan Turing: The Enigma’ by Andrew Hodges (himself a mathematician) and Benedict Cumberbatch gives a potentially Oscar winning, and immensely enjoyable, performance as Turing, portraying him as an irascible genius (as Matthew Goode’s character says in the film) but one that’s easy to like and sympathise with, and who provides the audience with cause to laugh on more than one occasion. Keira Knightley plays Joan Clarke, who solves a marketing crossword puzzle and gains access to the code breaking team and would come to play a central role in everyone’s lives, but Turing’s most of all. Additional support comes from Allen Leech, Matthew Beard, Mark Strong and Charles Dance and absolutely everyone is good here (including Alex Lawther as Turing when he is younger) but the focus is very much on telling Turing’s story.

Actually filmed on location at Bletchley Park, I was already certain of giving this a very high mark as it’s a really intriguing, satisfying and genuinely very moving historical drama – but I was wavering on the issue of historical accuracy. However, the more I read up on the subject, the more convinced I became that the film does remarkably well – I suspect Turing himself would laugh at much of it, you can probably take all the interactions between the characters and consider them legitimate inventions, but I also believe he would be very pleased, and consider it truthful in all the ways that ultimately matter. Complaints have been made from the Polish media that the necessary work of their own soldiers and code breakers isn’t highlighted, but I don’t think that’s fair really – it’s very clearly alluded to in the film and certainly The Red Dragon came away with the distinct impression they had played a vital role, one is simply encouraged to do a little research afterward to learn more.

Accounts from his co-workers all seem to vouch for his central and pivotal role in events and if you have Winston Churchill himself claiming that Turing made the single biggest contribution to winning the war, well, it’s pretty difficult to argue with that really. Many of the events in the film which one may reasonably assume to be fictitious are actually true – and they have also omitted a lot of Turing’s other achievements: he’s shown running around the Park to keep fit (and no doubt de-stress), for example, but they don’t mention he actually used to sometimes run all the way to London from Bletchley, a distance of more than sixty kilometres (a marathon is a mere forty two). My personal favourite anecdote is that he used to chain his coffee mug to the radiator so that no one else could use it. I approve of this. Where I am right now I keep careful track of the mug I use AS IT’S THE BIGGEST – Dragons require copious amounts of tea otherwise they go on killing rampages. This may save your life one day.

Similarly (there are slight spoilers in this paragraph so you might want to skip it), with regard to the breaking of the code what we see onscreen is kind of what was used – it’s spread out over time in the film and it makes sense for the screenplay but in reality it would probably have taken them all of two seconds to realise its importance, though it is ironic that Hitler’s own ego was to have such an affect on matters. I don’t think it’s mentioned in the film, but I am reliably told that the Enigma machine could map a letter to any other except itself, and had it been able to do that it would have been perhaps outwith the team’s powers to break (or at least added significantly to the time frame involved). Also not delved into is that the spy mentioned in the film was actually able to provide the Soviets with vital information used in the battle of Kursk, which changed the entire tide of the war on the Eastern Front in favour of Russia. It really is no hyperbole to say that many of us are alive today thanks to the determined efforts of Alan Turing.

I’d love to see the film, Cumberbatch, Tyldum and Moore get Oscar nominations for this but, as you will no doubt have guessed, no one more so than Keira for best supporting actress – she has certainly had a great year and garnered a lot of good faith in the States with the likes of ‘Jack Ryan : Shadow Recruit‘, ‘Begin Again‘ and ‘Laggies‘, not to mention a lot of positive attention with her fairly low-key and intimate marriage in 2013, the revelation she only gives herself a respectable sum of circa thirty grand to live off each year, and then posing topless to take a stance against the media’s abuse of the female image. Together with the right film, i.e. this one, and a strong character with a great performance which she delivers here, it could very well propel her back into Oscar’s sights – plus she was robbed of the one she deserved for ‘Pride and Prejudice’ back in 2005, so say I ..

Incidentally, this is also the second film with her and Steven Waddington (best known for playing the villainous English major in ‘The Last of the Mohicans’ 92), the other being ‘The Hole’ (01), and in each case he plays a police sergeant and they never actually meet onscreen. Probably, no one else on the planet has noticed this (except for Waddington who must be pissed, and he failed to woo Madeleine Stowe in The Last of the Mohicans as well). Keira is also a fan of crosswords in real life, so is The Red Dragon which can only mean one thing – babies. That’s right, little baby dragons with Keira’s face on them, Keirons if you will, running around the place riddling humans to their everlasting peril. Actually, due to the success of the film GCHQ released an app, ‘Cryptoy’, which tests your code breaking powers and if you are good enough they may contact you. However, do you really want to install an app created by the intelligence services? It’s not like this film is a ringing endorsement of working for them – and I can only imagine what the permissions on it are like.

Alternatives for logic challenges are the ‘Myst’ series of games for the PC – you can get most of them for twenty quid from here (there’s even a sale on at the moment), or there’s a free online version, although I’m not completely sold on this as yet … Also, you might want to have a look at this little oddity which someone created and is quite fun, and, for your viewing and intellectual pleasure, The Red Dragon has a created a crossword for you to try. If you solve it within five minutes you get … well, nothing, but that’s not the point. (pen and paper required and the answers are at the bottom so don’t scroll down too fast …)

Across
1. “A friend in need …” (2,1,6,6) 8. Uncovered heat shed, covered (8)
9. Strictly oblique minister? (6) 10. Artisan looking south acts aimlessly (7) 11. Sounds like the highest voices, but is really Fred’s daughter (7)
13. Red ire again upset French ass (8) 15. Felt strongly passionate as dead remains placed in bed (6) 16. Even garb ajee scat in pieces (6) 18. Ralph hitting singular stake loses head spelling all (8) 21. The state of ecstasy – itself beset by a poorly maiden (7) 22. Initially, early studies showed even nocturnal creatures exude scent (7) 25. Placid icicle sour inside 26. Yielding to revelry Dona bans reckless whims, and leaves (8) 27. “You can’t teach an …” (3,3,3,6)

Down
1. Inch forward, taste the source of instinctive impulses is bland (7) 2. One encouraging taking risks? (7) 3. Connect again as royal engineers bind together (5)
4. Dune unearthed without a stitch (4) 5. Strike the target, with a stroke, and you can use it to purify the claws (9) 6. Troop formation command level (7) 7. Modelled after removal indicator to have gotten rid of (7) 12. Bared, made to prohibit entrance (5) 14. Secret cooing tin rattled (9) 16. The music from the orchestra suffers from restlessness (7) 17. Awful, headless, fell jedi going weak at the knees (7)
19. Mountainous peak protects animal life, producing acid’s name (7)
20. Oppressed by nature Nazis display their long curls of hair (7) 23. The lunatics are better, at first, shrieking amidst new enemies return (5) 24. Special rear (4)

Answers

Across – 1) is a friend indeed 8) sheathed 9) bishop 10) potters 11) Pebbles 13) derrière 15) burned 16) abject 18) alphabet 21) illegal 22) essence 25) acidic 26) abandons 27) old dog new tricks

Down – 1) insipid 2) abetter/abettor 3) retie 4) nude 5) nailbrush 6) echelon 7) deposed 12) debar 14) incognito 16) agitato 17) jellied 19) benzoic 20) tresses 23) saner 24) rare

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