This parody covers the first three episodes or so, before some pesky mortals distracted me and it got buried under their carcasses for several years, until now …
Through the Eyes of The Red Dragon
CONTAINS SPOILERS
The pilot opens with the pontifical asking of ‘Where were you when JFK was assassinated? Where were you on 9/11? Where were you this morning?’ establishing the show as being as momentous as those events.
FBI AGENT : Hey son, are you ok? I heard you were in a fight again. I am semi-disappointed in you
SON : Hey mum. Yeah, I have no injuries even though I’m in hospital so don’t worry.
SON establishes himself as a caring yet angst ridden and impulsive virile male, which polls suggest most teenagers, and especially teenage girls, will find appealing.
SON : I love you mum.
FBI AGENT establishes her ex husband as a self-centred douchebag, which polls suggest most women will relate to and find appealing.
FBI AGENT : I’m glad you’re ok. Your father called to talk about himself again. Sometimes I wish he’d just get abducted by aliens or something…
Alien ships descend over every major city on Earth, and hover menacingly above them, exactly like in Independence Day.
RANDOM EXTRA : Hey, this is just like in Independence Day!
ANNA THE ALIEN QUEEN : We come in peace. We just need to ‘borrow’ something from you, just a little something that you won’t miss, don’t worry. In return we’ll give you, hmm, something wonderful that you need like, hmm, hey look at the shiny light display we can make and how sexy we all look! Did I mention we come in peace? I simply cannot stress enough that we come in peace. I tell you what, we’ll make one homeless guy in a wheelchair, get out of his wheelchair and walk around for a while, how does that sound to you? We think that’s pretty generous really. Oh ok ok we might let you mix with our gene pools too since that seems to turn you on so much, but you drive a hard bargain, especially what with none of you asking why we look like you guys and all. We conquer in peace. Always.
COLLECTIVE HUMANITY APART FROM PRIEST : Aliens! Thank goodness, they’re friendly, panic over! Well they might have ulterior motives, but they’re hot so who cares?
FBI AGENT and her partner ALAN TUDYK track down what they believe to be a terrorist cell meeting whilst everyone else jacks off to the aliens on TV.
FBI AGENT : Ok I’m going in, you wait here and play with those dinosaur toys you had on Firefly.
ALAN TUDYK : Ok. I’m an alien by the way.
FBI AGENT : What?
ALAN TUDYK : Oh nothing. That was just for the few people in the audience who aren’t quite so savy on sci-fi clichés and hadn’t realised yet.
FBI agent continues into the secret meeting where she is met with no security of any kind and learns…
CONSPIRACY GUY : Aliens have been here for years, broiling political unrest, starting wars…
The audience recalls the episode’s opening queries and links this information with those events, much like the cancer man episode of the ‘X-files’.
… invoking religious hatred, causing financial meltdown, and giving pop stars accidental drug overdoses. Just look at Brittany’s ‘All the way’ video, and LMFAO’s ‘party rock anthem’ – they know the score people.
FBI AGENT : So wait, you’re saying that those aliens that just arrived looking exactly like normal humans, have been here already, looking exactly like other humans!
No.
Fucking.
Way.
CONSPIRACY GUY : Seriously.
FBI AGENT : You must be very clever. I don’t think that’s occurred to anyone else on the planet.
CONSPIRACY GUY then goes on to explain that after some years of having this knowledge, he has used time and surprise to his advantage and has managed to amass the some twenty or so people hearing this for the first time, and that the only possible way he has fathomed to detect these alien infiltrators is to surreptitiously slice a highly visible ‘V’ shape into their neck and have a look at the tissue underneath. He explains this must now be done to everyone presently there. No one complains. The camera fades out as FBI AGENT is chosen to receive her V so that the audience will forget about it and not mind when FBI AGENT never sports the V mark henceforth. ALAN TUDYK ALIEN jumps in and attacks with a bunch of his alien friends and a flying spy-cam much like the ones in Terrahawks.
ALAN TUDYK ALIEN : Blaaargggh
FBI AGENT : I’m shocked you were the traitor in our midst. I mean, you intercepted every piece of intel on these guys and still failed to put an end to them, even when they didn’t make any real effort to conceal what they were doing.
ALAN TUDYK ALIEN : Blaaargggh
FBI AGENT, having inflicted a revelatory head wound, continues to administer what we are led to believe is a killing blow to ALAN TUDYK ALIEN, though is very careful not to show where this wound is to the camera so as not reveal anything else about the alien anatomy should ALAN TUDYK ALIEN come back to life. Which he will. Enter GOOD ALIEN who helps win the fight, along with the GOOD PRIEST, who was also present at the meeting.
GOOD ALIEN : Don’t worry, I’m an alien and I like you guys. Some of the others do too, but our artificial skin opens up real easy – look.
FBI AGENT : Ok, I’ve gotten up to speed and already guessed you were a good alien. But kudos for coming straight out with it to people you’ve never met before.
GOOD ALIEN goes on to have his arm healed by an alien grease monkey and has INTERNAL CONFLICT about whether or not to leave his potential fiancée in the firing range of anyone trying to find him. The concept of his love and interspecies sexual/marital affairs is not deemed relevant to discuss. FBI AGENT recruits GOOD PRIEST as a replacement for her partner and the new recipient of her latent, divorcee, sexual cravings. The perfect choice as his faith will prohibit him from reciprocating in any way that is likely to annoy her. FBI AGENT also deals with her duplicitous, horny, teenage son.
FBI AGENT : You wouldn’t join that group of incredibly hot young alien girls would you? I mean, even though it’s obvious to me you’re still a virgin and will remain so as long you continue to only hang around your equally uncool friend. But you wouldn’t go, for me, right?
The concept of interspecies sexual affairs is not deemed relevant to discuss.
SON : Em, nooooooo….. ‘Even though I’ll probably find out pretty soon that they are in fact lizards under cloned human skin, I can probably get on board with that. I mean, the rest is all fully functional right? Not that I’m shallow or anything…’
Meanwhile ANCHORMAN meets with ALIEN QUEEN ANNA for a live interview, having commented that she is a hottie and thus established himself as someone to be used, but also that ALIEN QUEEN ANNA is more than a little vain and that this will probably lead to problems for her schemes.
ALIEN QUEEN ANNA : Before we start, you do know you can’t ask anything I don’t want you to right? I mean, I want to look good you understand? It’s all about me, me, me. I want my slaves to love their queen.
ANCHORMAN : What? Are you kidding me? This was going to make Frost/Nixon look like a Charlie Sheen interview. But I am on your ship. By myself. And I do intend to have sex with you at some point.
ALIEN QUEEN ANNA : I’m glad you see the position you’ve put yourself in.
Anchorman paints the aliens in a favourable light, but then tries to play them by running his own interviews on Earth, which apparently also paint the aliens in a good light. This attracts the sexual attention of ALIEN QUEEN ANNA as she finds a new toy to play with and secretly regrets adhering to Lee Strasberg’s method acting and installing human sex drives directly into their own reptile brains instead of just sticking with the cloned skin.
EPISODE 3
Everyone wisely avoids illegal alien jokes as it becomes evident the visitors are trying to obtain passports. Specifically US passports, as this is the only country that matters, and, naturally, the FBI are the only ones the V think can stop them.
SON : I’m going out mom
FBI AGENT – otherwise known as ERICA : You will remember to be careful around those aliens won’t you?
SON : Oh for the love of, talk about mother paranoia! It must be tough thinking everyone’s a terrorist all the time mother. I mean, if you can’t trust unknown aliens in a huge ship over the city then I think we’ve reached a very bad place don’t you? What does that tell us about ourselves? It’s like you’re using this ship as some kind of metaphor for puberty, and you’re going to use the aliens to play out all my need and guilt and your trust issues, again and again and again. I’m already tired of it! Oh, I might have been fired from my role as peace ambassador after I punched someone in the face anyway. He called me a name so he totally had it coming.
ERICA has bigger reptiles to fry, namely a would-be terrorist that she spots closing in on ALIEN NO.2 at the next public event. Fortunately her ninja training comes in handy and she is able subdue the armed gunman, who allows her to as not only is it a set up, but it also means he can avoid the alternative of being shot. Erica uses this opportunity to find the conspicuous alien monitoring station, conspicuous both because no one is there to watch the monitors and also because Erica guesses the alien password, intimating she may in fact be the world’s smartest mom, or an alien herself. This fact is not dwelled upon. Erica discovers the V shirts are mini-cameras and leaves before she has an opportunity to perv her son on a date with another V.
ALIEN NO.2 : I see that you’re going after the wife of one of the pilots we inadvertently killed. I note this with my usual tone of slightly alarmed incredulity.
ALIEN QUEEN ANNA : She is the only one besides the FBI that can stop us. Do you know why? Because she’s angry, that’s why, and everyone else thinks we’re wonderful. I also fear her because she’s a woman and I know how I would react – wait and see what I do at the end of this season. That kind of all consuming hate after your life has been destroyed is contagious. I should know, I have caused enough of it on countless other planets. It’s so tiresome. Luckily most humans prefer to look the other way. Nevertheless I will mind fuck her until she shuts up. Would you like to watch again No.2?
Meanwhile RYAN chases up an old friend who left his calling card mysteriously in his flat and who then tries to hand him over to the V, allowing RYAN the possibility of escape instead of just telling the V where his flat was in the first place.
RYAN : Why are you doing this? I trusted you!
CYRUS : I just need that bliss again man, y-you know when you just gotta have it reeeal bad. I need to get reconnected, I tried it with these human girls, but they’re nothing compared to ANNA! I got tired of being her bitch, but she was right, I am worthless – and you are too! You know it don’t you, you know you’ll end up back with her.
RYAN : Man, now I’m gonna have to torch you alive.
**
GOOD PRIEST ‘JACK’ : Hmm, I don’t really know what’s going on here, but Erica seems nice. I think the best thing to do would be to leave a voicemail on her FBI work phone about how we were at that warehouse where her partner got killed. I sure hope those aliens with super-advanced technology can’t find us and finish the job. Hmm, looks like this other guy who was there doesn’t use voicemail, so I’ll just leave my church card with my address and name on it instead. I can’t remember why I have these church cards in the first place. It’s a bit odd. Is it to lure unsuspecting women into the church, then I swap my priest’s collar for the army dog tags I always carry in my pocket, and unleash the flood of testosterone that builds up every day behind my broken faith. Probably.
**
ALIEN QUEEN ANNA convinces the air force widow to have a few words with her in private, and proceeds to fuck the shit out of her mind until all she sees is rainbows.
AIR FORCE WIDOW : Wow, that was amazing. I literally came as soon as we went off camera. They don’t call it grace for nothing. My husband never made me feel like that. Now that I know such orgasmic power exists in this universe I will be eternally grateful and consider it A-Okay that you had to murder my husband in order to reveal it to me. Unless of course I’m a clone…
**
ALAN TUDYK ALIEN : Blaaaarg – Oh, hang on, what’s this?
JOSHUA : I am Joshua, your new best friend. I created this cerebral prison – I mean convalescence centre so that …