Percy Jackson : Sea of Monsters  (2013)    51/100

Rating :   51/100                                                                     106 Min        PG

The sequel to 2010’s ‘Percy Jackson & The lightning Thief’ sees most of the cast return for the next adventure, although Anthony Head has replaced Pierce Brosnan as Chiron the centaur. It’s based on the novel by Rick Riordan, part of a five book series focusing on main character Percy Jackson, the half human son of Poseidon, and his adventures with best buds Grover, a satyr, and Annabeth, the half human daughter of Athena (each played by Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson and Alexandra Daddario {Texas Chainsaw 3D} respectively). This time around, the intrepid trio must make their way to ‘The Sea of Monsters’, which in human terms is just the Bermuda Triangle, to find the Golden Fleece of myth, apparently significantly relocated since Jason quested for it in the Black Sea millennia ago, as only the Fleece’s regenerative powers can save the tree that protects Camp Half-Blood from the poison it is infected with. But the dastardly devil who infected said tree (just like in the Harry Potter series, it is in fact the same bad guy from the previous instalment) also intends on using the Fleece – to ‘revive’ Kronos, father of the gods and ruler of all before his children usurped and murdered him.

Yes, the story really is that shit. Not only that, but reviving Kronos was also the central plot for 2012’s ‘Wrath of the Titans’. Indeed, the villain here had only to not poison the protective tree, and thus not also send the heroes off after the Fleece, to be able to track down the object of his desire in a pleasant and unhurried manner. However, the story could be forgiven its various sillinesses, were it not for most of the rest of the film misfiring too. Percy has hero doubts/daddy issues as Poseidon won’t talk to him (perhaps so they wouldn’t have to pay an actor to play him again) and realises he has a brother, courtesy of the god of the oceans having his way with a nymph (if it’s anything like the real Greek myths, this means he raped her), the result of which, bizarrely, is a half human, half cyclops called Tyson, that everyone picks on. For families and youngsters the adventure and very crude and obvious character development is probably fine, and may indeed even prove suitably entertaining, but for anyone older this is not going to hold their attention for very long.

The special effects are also a let down in several key areas, perhaps nowhere more so than in the animation of Tyson’s solitary eye, which at no point really looks convincing. The concept of Greek mythology in a modern day setting isn’t really so bad, but it’s just delivered in a sort of lame ‘Scooby Doo’ manner, and much like the other modern day bastardisations of one of the most fundamental literary resources of western civilisation (of which, 2011’s ‘Immortals’ is by far and away the worst example) it scrambles to fit in all of the most extreme characters from the source material. It’s crazy, and completely unnecessary – the myths have so much scope within them that you would never in a million years run out of stories to tell and epic films to create. Much better to focus on the small scale, build some characters up and then throw them into historical context, modern day or ancient, combined with one or two detailed elements from mythology. Indeed, here, for the son of Poseidon, Jackson certainly forgets to use his powers an awful lot, not to mention his staring into space digesting the scene while he really should be, Olympus forbid, doing something heroic.

A couple of nice touches exist – Nathan Fillion appears as Hermes and bemoans the death of an unfairly cancelled TV show (he was the captain, Mal, of the ship Serenity on Joss Whedon’s cancelled masterpiece ‘Firefly’ of course) and when they end up on an abandoned but still operating fairground ride, two of them start humming ‘It’s a small world’, which is the song that plays incessantly on the rides of the same name at Disneyland (The Red Dragon was once on the Paris version of this when it broke down, but THE SINGING CONTINUED. For quite some time. I suspect foul play by sick minded teen operators). This is an adaptation of the second book in the series, so the assumption has to be they were hoping to milk the franchise and get all five of them out there, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to curtail it at three, and just mash the best bits of the final three books together.

Pacific Rim  (2013)    55/100

Rating : 55/100                                                                       132 Min        12A

Despite the low rating, the action in this film is pretty darn good, it’s just that the story is both ridiculous and predictable, and the characters and acting largely follow suit. Set in the immediate future, humanity finds itself under constant threat of attack from alien invaders (the Kaiju), alas not from space above, but from the depths of the Pacific Ocean, wherein lies a previously dormant portal to another dimension. Every six months or so an aquatic behemoth comes through the portal and attacks, Godzilla style, a seemingly random coastal city. Our most obvious solution to this crises is to build enormous robotic warriors to fight the beasties with, each one controlled from within its head by two mentally linked humans whose consciences merge, which allows the story to digress down various emotional tangents.

There are multiple immediate problems with this of course, such as any real explanation as to why our current military capabilities aren’t enough to take down the enemy, or why since we know their point of origin it isn’t mined to high heaven. The robots themselves, or Jaegers as they call them (German for hunters), despite having huge plasma guns and an array of missile explosives, seemed to favour running up and smacking the aliens in the face as their weapon of choice, which naturally allows for the possibility for them to be, well, eaten. The chain of command in their outfit is at best flimsy, and at several times it’s easier to be against the protagonists than behind them.

An oddity that manages to be quite enjoyable and yet at the same time determinedly difficult to really like, it’s from director Guillermo del Toro and has very much the same feel and pace to it as his 2008 film ‘Hellboy II’. This, and del Toro’s continued determination to stick to real sets and props as much as possible, together with the visual effects, are the films strongest assets. It’s a real shame that, as is often the case, a money laden blockbuster is critically let down by basic conceptual errors and a hackneyed screenplay. If you like the look of the trailer, then this might still be worth a go on the big screen – watch out for the Optimus Prime lookalike truck that is no doubt deliberately crushed at one point, and there is a very brief post credits scene too.

Populaire  (2012)    66/100

Rating :   66/100                                                                     111 Min        12A

A fairly decent French language film set in the late 1950’s that very much apes the feel of Audrey Hepburn’s ‘Funny Face’ (57) but which isn’t quite as enjoyable as that classic musical number, in fact it’s almost too light and fluffy for its own good, but with a warm heart that ultimately just wins out over predictability and comedy that never really does more than tickle lightly. It stars Romain Duris as insurance salesman Louis Échard looking for a new secretary – enter Déborah François as the young and very beautiful small town ingenue Rose Pamphyle who will fill the position after demonstrating excessively rapid typing skills, to the extent that Louis feels compelled to enter her into regional speed typing tournaments, and to train her to realise her full typewriting championship potential.

It’s immediately obvious that a romance can hardly fail to develop, and Duris’ character fills the boots of the ‘douche bag guy who will inevitably come good in the end’, but whilst Duris’ performance nor his character are particularly convincing, Déborah François is what really sells the picture, giving a strong and very affable portrayal of the clumsy and yet determined Rose, and surprisingly the fairly dull sounding competition of speed typing becomes reasonably interesting – they even manage to fit in a ‘Rocky’ style training montage at one point.

Bérénice Bejo plays a supporting character that aids in no small way the budding romance, but also teaches Rose to play piano – ostensibly to aid her digital adroitness, but also nodding to the most famous roles of both lead actors to date; ‘The Page Turner’ (06) for François, and ‘The Beat that my Heart Skipped’ (05) for Duris, in which he also played an angry twat who somehow gets the girl by shouting at her in a fit of rage at one point, if memory serves. Indeed, in one scene here Rose gives him a good slap, and he’s just as quick to give her a good one right back – it’s very French, but also perhaps another nod to a moment in ‘Funny Face’ with a Parisian couple sitting outside a nightclub, the female member of which is angrily shouting at her male partner, who, naturally, slaps her across the face, and she promptly responds by hugging and kissing him passionately. ‘Populaire’ takes its name from the brand of typewriter Rose uses, and marks the feature film debut of Régis Roinsard.

Princess Mononoke / Mononoke-hime  (1997)    75/100

Rating :   75/100                       Treasure Chest                  134 Min        PG

‘The Last of the Mohicans’ meets ‘Star Wars’ meets ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ in this, the film that really put Studio Ghibli on the map internationally and was, upon its release in 1997, the most financially successful theatrical anime in Japan’s history, indeed becoming the highest grossing Japanese film of the year. It’s set centuries past in feudal Japan, and mixes strands of history with Japanese mythology in a tale of the perversive power of hatred, anger and fear, and the dangers of throwing nature out of balance. Princess Mononoke herself has a wonderful introduction, and indeed the entirety of her first major scene I would without hesitation enter into my list of all time favourite film moments, with her charging into an enemy fort quite determined to take on everyone in it single-handedly. One of The Red Dragon’s biggest criticisms of the film is simply that she does not feature enough. In fact, the main character is actually Ashitaka, who exists as our hero, advocating reason and diplomacy as he is abruptly sent on a quest to the heart of the forest, wherein he will encounter mankind mining the earth for iron, and in doing so waging war on the spirits of the forest – some of whom have raised Mononoke (whose name is actually a general term for spirit or monster in Japanese) since she was a mere baby.

Should you be thinking of showing this to your children, there is bloody violence, including decapitations, but it is of the sort more likely to have your kids thinking ‘cooool’ rather than being disturbed by it, worth bearing in mind nonetheless, otherwise this presents an exciting and memorable parable. It features another good score from the wonderful Joe Hisaishi, who does many of Ghibli’s films, though the colour scheme is a little less vibrant than elsewhere in their collection. Ghibli itself (pronounced Gee-Bow-Lee in Japanese, Jibly in the west) comes from the Arabic word for the Sirocco, a Mediterranean wind, with the idea being their work would come as a dramatic wind of change in the industry; which indeed has been borne out as true. Here we see perhaps the studio fully establishing their voice, and yet still retaining some traditions of Japanese anime – a young female still manages to get herself covered in writhing tentacles, for example, although here they represent subversion due to hatred, rather than sexual desire.

The hand drawn style of animation is very easy to love, and in many ways it is the product of the drive and doting attention of director and Ghibli co-founder Hayao Miyazaki. In fact, he invested so much in this film he decided to retire once it was finished, although he couldn’t resist coming back to do ‘Spirited Away’ (and then several others) years later, whose success would eclipse even that of Mononoke. Due to time constraints this was the first film from the studio to introduce the partial use of computers, via the technique of ‘digital paint’, since then a practical balance was sought between traditional methods and new technology, that ultimately ended with a complete return to hand craft for all elements of animation (currently the only major studio to be doing so), beginning with ‘Ponyo’ in 2008. Also a signature imprint of Miyazaki are his strong, independent, loveable, and interesting female characters, from Mononoke to fort and iron works commander in chief Lady Eboshi, and the former prostitutes she has cheerfully working the bellows of her smelting forge. Reputedly, this stems from his seeing the animated film ‘Hakujaden’ (‘The Tale of the White Serpent’) in his youth and very much falling in love with the female protagonist.

Comparing the Japanese version with English subtitles, to the English language version with a host of big name actors doing the voice overs, the overall acting is better in the Japanese one (although Minnie Driver is great as Lady Eboshi in the other), however the audio translation (scripted by author Neil Gaiman) is better and makes more sense of the story, especially for non-Japanese audiences, than the subtitled translation, so that overall the English language version is to be recommended. It’s a little on the long side (when Harvey Weinstein, co-founder of Miramax, suggested it be abridged for release in the States, Miyazaki sent him a Katana blade with a note saying ‘No Cuts’, which simply underscores the awesomeness of Miyazaki) but this is animation with a real story and real point to make, one without any traditional ‘bad guy’, and some blood, the occasional ‘bitch’, and ex prostitutes aside, it aptly demonstrates how animation can be made to appeal to both young and old audiences alike.

Peaceful Warrior  (2006)    63/100

Rating :   63/100                                                                     120 Min        PG

‘Peaceful Warrior’ manages to be both corny and hackneyed, and yet still remain fairly enjoyable. It focuses on the journey of one American gymnastics hopeful, Dan Millman, who finds an unlikely mentor in the guise of a gas station attendant he nicknames Socrates, played by Nick Nolte. It’s the familiar Karate Kid esque tale, but this time with a slightly supernatural taint to it, and with some nice bits of philosophy thrown in there too. A low budget, imperfect film, but one that has its heart in the right place, made a little more compelling by being based on a true story, although I believe very large liberties have been taken with the truth of actual events…

Parker  (2013)    27/100

Rating :   27/100                                                                     118 Min        15

This begins as a fairly decent action/revenge pic, as we see Jason Statham take part in a robbery gone awry. Unfortunately, the filmmakers have decided to harken back to the action flicks of the nineties where many, many films tried to unsuccessfully appeal to both sexes by having a completely hopeless damsel in distress appear amidst the otherwise testosterone fuelled carnage. Here, this unhappy role is embodied by a screeching, meddlesomely vain nobody, played by Jennifer Lopez, who seems to exist as the very antithesis to the pace of the film hitherto. Her earthly woes of maybe losing her large car because her sales job isn’t going so well, are contrasted with the several bullets Statham has had injected at close range and the mortal peril he and his loved ones have been placed in. Needless to say the lady generally just gets in the way and functions primarily as a, hopeful, box office draw, to the complete ruination of the entire endeavour. It would be interesting to know if her character is quite as pointless in the Parker novel, ‘Flashfire’, the film is based on. This is not the first big-screen adaptation of one of the series of books, from late author Donald E. Westlake, but it is the first to use the character’s name, and it is unlikely Westlake would have been happy with that, or the final product, as he had always withheld the rights to Parker’s name unless someone was willing to produce adaptations of the entire series. It’s an opportunity to begin a franchise gone begging, and a big disappointment from established director Taylor Hackford (‘Ray’ 04, ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ 97, ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ 82).

Playing for Keeps  (2012)    55/100

Rating :   55/100                                                                     105 Min        12A

A romantic comedy that sees over-the-hill Scottish professional football player George Dryer (Gerard Butler) move to Virginia to spend time with his son and hopefully rekindle something with the kid’s mother, played by Jessica Biel. The film’s biggest problem is it seems entirely confused as to what it is trying to say, and ends up as both completely formulaic and hackneyed, but also spurious and unbelievable in its delivery of the wayward-man-come-good-guy and responsible father routine. Dryer takes on a role as the football coach for his son’s team, and becomes a hit with the desperate housewives and single moms that watch the game. It would have been far better to have simply made this a comedy and had Dryer remain a complete louse shagging his way through the best the town has to offer and still winning the girl in the end somehow. It would have worked well with the pretty impressive cast they have – including Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Judy Greer, and Dennis Quaid. As it is, they toyed with something interesting but then played it safe and ended up with nothing of much value at all. Not as completely dire as its critical drubbing would suggest though, and it also suffered from opening in the holiday season with all the big Oscar contenders going head to head around it.


Quotes

“This is me with Celtic, 2003, played against Porto in the final of the UEFA Cup. Liverpool, AC Milan, 2005. I mean, what do you think? Pretty good stuff when you put it all together, four medals as well. And then these were the boots I wore when I scored against England when I played with Scotland. Best moment of my life.”   Gerard Butler/George Dryer

Parental Guidance  (2012)    53/100

Rating :   53/100                                                                     105 Min        U

Bette Midler and Billy Crystal star as ‘the other’ grandparents in this comedy, where they finally get a shot at looking after their grandchildren, then proceed to effectively endanger and mistreat them to such a degree they would never in reality be trusted around the children ever again. A very typical American comedy that thinks applying gloss via cinematography and music makes everything hunky dory in the end. It doesn’t. Some of Billy Crystal’s jokes are funny, and the children give good and, at times, very emotional performances, but otherwise there is nothing to save this from its future retirement home in the cheap dvd stand in supermarkets.

Pitch Perfect  (2012)    71/100

Rating :   71/100                                                                     112 Min        12A

Surprisingly good. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and isn’t afraid to make jokes at its own expense. The Red Dragon despises X factor and the many similarly styled heads of the same monster and considers them, and crazy teenage girls, to be responsible for the continued decline in the quality of the music industry in Britain, and indeed further afield. So to enjoy this, a comedy about an all girl singing group entering competition as the unlikely contenders, was unexpected. Excellent singing quality and a good selection of music, including The Proclaimers ‘I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)’ mixed with David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’, ensures an enjoyable couple of hours of light relief.

Quotes

“Nothing makes a woman feel more like a girl than a man who sings like a boy.”   Elizabeth Banks/Gail

Pusher  (2012)    7/100

Rating :   31….22….7/100                                                       89 Min        18

No that’s not a misprint. The value of ‘Pusher’ continues to deteriorate in my mind as I struggle to think of any redeeming features. It follows the story of several drug dealing Londoners, mostly with phoney, skin crawling accents, and that of one small fish in particular who takes a little more than he should have done from one of the bigger fish. The rest of the film dances around his mental torment as he attempts to balance the equation of what he owes versus what he has, and continually fails. The inevitable ensues. Awful. A five year old could have written a more interesting screenplay about their trip to the supermarket and the invisible dandelion people who live in their back garden.