Don Jon  (2013)    69/100

Rating :   69/100                                                                       90 Min        18

Joseph Gordon-Levitt chooses a very interesting subject for his directorial debut – pornography. Also written by Levitt and starring him as central character Jon (nicknamed Don Jon by his friends on account of his pulling prowess with girls) we watch as he works out on his body at the gym, keeps his flat immaculately clean, and works his way through a succession of young hotties – and yet still finds jacking off to pornography more pleasurable than the real thing. Then he meets knock out blonde Barbara Sugarman, played by Scarlett Johansson, and becomes convinced she is the one – but will even her curvaceous figure and sublime features be a match for the infinite and easy choices available online?

The subject matter has been treated very well here by the man at the helm (no pun intended) dealing with it head on (ditto), and by mixing in a lot of good comedy. It is thematically reminiscent of Steve McQueen’s ‘Shame’ (11) but I would argue this is in many respects better as it ditches the prevalent moralising tone which permeated that film, and in many ways it does actually represent the differences between a British and American treatment of the topic, one prudish and judgmental – the other forthright and more fun. Indeed, the very idea of porn is often still hugely divisive between the sexes – the next time you’re in a group scenario just throw in the subject of masturbation over your friends facebook pictures and you’ll quickly see the dichotomy that exists generally (you can google that particular aspect of the debate for a plethora of very humorous threads – also something which works quite well is the timely interjection during a game of ‘I’ve Never’, which is normally used as an excuse for people to show off their real or exaggerated sexual exploits, of the line ‘Never have I ever … masturbated whilst thinking about anyone in this room’. This never fails to issue forth a blanket of silence over the sophistic podium, and you can usually tell by the extremely sheepish faces who indeed has done exactly that. Most amusing).

Both Levitt and Johansson sport very convincing accents (it’s set in New York City) and give really good performances, as does Julianne Moore in support. Although Levitt has done a couple of short films prior to this, for a first feature this is a sterling effort – and kudos definitely has to be given for opting to write about difficult subject matter with originality. The alienating problems with intimacy that Jon suffers from will strike a chord with many viewers, some of which will be surprised by the resonance – so seldom is any light shone on this area in a way that audiences can relate to. The only real criticism would have to be there are many aspects of a more traditional resolution to the movie, and although it makes sense for the story and what he’s trying to do, it nevertheless feels a little too black and white – the shades of grey are conveniently, and swiftly, removed from the equation…

Dom Hemingway  (2013)    31/100

Rating :   31/100                                                                       93 Min        15

Jude Law plays the titular Dom Hemingway – a crook just released from prison after a twelve year stint in the clink, and now on a mission to make amends with his estranged daughter. It’s a black comedy, but its primary faults are that it’s simply not that funny and Law convincing us he’s a hard-ass, cockney geezer (despite his commitment to the role) is just asking a bit too much from the audience. It’s like the film is trying to emulate the laughs from ‘In Bruges’ (08), whilst evoking Tom Hardy’s performance in ‘Bronson’ (08), and it doesn’t come close to being as good as either of them – in fact for the first third it is difficult not to want the main character to get killed, with him coming across as repulsive rather than endearing or comedic as he either hits/fucks/or insults everyone he meets (I’m making this sound more interesting than it actually is) and demonstrates how hard he is by lighting up a cigarette in a pub in defiance of the anti-smoking law – send him back to prison! There are a couple of nice moments, the support form the likes of Richard E. Grant and Demian Bichir is fine and the central character becomes a bit more palatable as the film progresses, but the whole film feels too forced and amateurish. From writer/director Richard Shepard (‘The Matador’ 2005, ‘The Hunting Party’ 2007).

Battle of the Year  (2013)    3/100

Rating :   3/100                                                                       110 Min        12

Anything with a bombastic title like this had better have something special going on, hiring popstar Chris Brown to play the principal lead certainly counts as ‘special’. For anyone who isn’t aware – Brown is the ex-boyfriend of Rihanna (unless they got back together – who cares) ever since he punched her in the face, or was that how they met each other, I can never remember.

One can imagine his reaction to the news that his ex lover was to appear in last year’s ‘Battleship’ – “Say what! Who dat bitch think she is?! Yo, get my knuckle-dusters, wait, hell no I’ll show dat hoe – I’m gonna get me one of dem Oscars! That right! That bling is dope yo!!” I have no idea if Chris Brown talks like this, but I’m pretty sure he’s a spoilt little fucknut so why exactly are cinema audiences being subjected to him?

Why indeed. The title of this film refers to the battle of the streetdancing b-boys scenario that forms the focus of the story where a bunch of barely literate hoodlums will become exalted beings at one with each other and the cosmos by jumping up and down, swinging their arms around, and spinning on their heads in a literal inversion of the use of their brain. I actually enjoyed the likes of the Step Up and Streetdance franchises, but this is just terrible, replete with spirit crushing bad dialogue (including anti-semitic lines), woeful acting, and to crown it all, for the most part uninteresting and unskilled dancing – all brought home with terrible editing.

I think it’s actually the scene pictured above where Brown leaps backward, but lands way off centre. Hopeless. Somehow Josh Holloway, as the retired basketball coach talked into taking on the American ‘Dream Team’, manages to eventually pull off the role as he takes them to the world breakdancing championships, despite the filmmaking carnage going on around him. This might be based on a true story – I really don’t care enough to find out, it’s certainly based on a documentary about breakdancing as they plug it heavily during the film each chance they get.

If the film industry is to be continually polluted by the music industry – can’t we at least have more of Katy Perry?

I think I may have put this up on another review somewhere, but it seems fitting to post it here too …

In Fear  (2013)    51/100

Rating :   51/100                                                                       85 Min        15

Starring Iain De Caestecker (‘Not Another Happy Ending’) and Alice Englert (‘Beautiful Creatures’), this low budget British horror film sees Tom and Lucy off for a wee romantic trip to the Irish countryside. The only problem is, they very quickly get lost in a maze of country roads supposed to be leading to their hotel – is someone playing a sick joke on them? Although a little tension is created, and the leads are Ok with a scenario that could work – very little is done with the story to make it worthwhile, and the overwhelming feeling come the end of the movie is simply one of pointlessness.

Lee Daniels’ The Butler  (2013)    68/100

Rating :   68/100                                                                     132 Min        12A

The true story of Eugene Allen – or at least it should have been. This is a heavily fictionalised account of Allen’s life, so much so they changed the central character’s name to Cecil Gaines (played by Forest Whitaker). I won’t list the principal story elements which were invented for the film as it will to no small degree ruin it, but their inclusion is ameliorated by the material at least arguably being representative of real experiences for African Americans at that time. In any eventuality, Allen served several of the American presidents, from Eisenhower in the 50’s right up to Reagan in the 80’s, as one of the White House’s butlers (Cuba Gooding Jr. and Lenny Kravitz play two of the others). With his occupation as an anchor for the story, what unfolds is an uncompromising reflection on the Civil Rights Movement in America, as we see the murderous brutality Gaines witnesses in the deep south as a child and the struggle his own son (played by David Oyelowo) goes through when he becomes an activist in the movement, mirrored with his unique employment and the very real effect he and his co-workers most certainly will have had on influencing the perspective, thoughts, and decisions of the presidents themselves.

It’s the latest film from talented director Lee Daniels, after last year’s ‘The Paperboy’, and it’s interesting that even the very difficult and harrowing brutality of racism, is still seemingly more palatable to audiences than the, ahem, touchy area of onscreen masturbation that was evident in that film (which I liked incidentally {the film that is, not John Cusack masturbating}), although some of the less effective after effects used there to make the film seem a little dated do also crop up here, giving early periods of the film a decidedly pallid feel to them. His latest movie is an emotive, strong piece that is well acted by its principal cast and its equally strong, and extensive, supporting cast members. I won’t spoil the long list of big name actors who appear as the various presidents throughout the film, although one was particularly surprising as he’s British, and another has played a president before … If so much of the screenplay hadn’t been mere invention, and if it wasn’t still being billed as a biography, then this would be a fantastic film – as it is, it’s still pretty good.

The Counsellor  (2013)    70/100

Rating :   70/100                                                                     117 Min        18

A slow burn film that takes a while to really settle and get into, but ultimately has enough of a punch to deliver. It’s an ensemble piece from director Ridley Scott, one that sees the rich cast of Michael Fassbender, the titular legal counsellor who decides to embark on a risky drug dealing enterprise for some extra money, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Brad Pitt, Bruno Ganz, Toby Kebbell and Rosie Perez in a tale of dangerous consequences that uniquely feels real, rather than what we might expect from a big budget movie. Some of the cast give very good performances, Pitt in particular who’s character (if I heard him correctly) manages to fit in a reference to Scots law even though this is based in Mexico and the south of the US (which was nice actually – perhaps this means he was made to feel welcome here when he was shooting ‘World War Z’, or perhaps ‘No Country for Old Men’ novelist Cormac McCarthy, for whom this is his first screenplay, has an interest in Scotland), in fact, and I may be wrong, I think there were a couple of other Scottish references dotted throughout the film …

In any case, it is a dark but worthy film despite a number of flaws – such as the difficulty to engage with it for quite some time, a slightly muffled quality to the dialogue with too much of the delivery focused on having ‘gravely’ voices for dramatic effect/to look ‘cool’, and a creeping verbosity to some of the scenes. There is a strong philosophical element to the film as well, which The Red Dragon feels works very well – just don’t go in expecting to see sunshine and rainbows.

Gravity  (2013)    0/100

Rating :   0/100              COMPLETE INCINERATION            91 Min        12A

Goodness. This is one of those films with big name stars and a huge amount of advertising behind it – all but ensuring its success despite the fact it is beyond abysmal, as the sending of Sandra Bullock into space seems to augur the destruction of pretty much every man made object orbiting the planet and we spend most of the film watching her flailing her arms around helplessly screaming ‘What do I do?! What do I do?!’. In fact, I’m surprised the moon managed to survive and wasn’t somehow thrown out of its orbit by her endless mewling.

The film opens with Bullock busying herself attaching something to the Hubble Space Telescope (which, naturally, she will represent the harbinger of doom for very quickly). We learn that NASA have sent her up there after a mere six months training (the ill fated monkeys they sent into space probably had more prep time) – the reason being she has developed some kind of new instrument for scanning deep space, despite the fact she tells us before this she worked in a hospital and it was developed for use there. Clearly, NASA did not have another astronaut capable of plugging the thing in – certainly not if her pilot George Clooney is anything to go by, whom we see whizzing by playing with his jetpack and listening to country music while she’s attaching her array. As if. One malfunction and that’s you off into deep space pal, no more “Whee Whee! Look at me I’m George Clooney!”

Having thus scuppered any pretence at realism, moments into the film we learn that Russia have missiled one of their defunct satellites which sets off a ‘chain reaction’ of debris (with the high energies involved, and the amount of things in orbit, space debris is a real danger for astronauts and the idea of a chain reaction creating more and more of the stuff has been theorised by the Kessler syndrome since the late seventies). Unfortunately for our intrepid space walkers, and their token Indian comrade, this creates a large amount of orbiting missile objects – which, despite these satellites being spread around in different orbits (and despite the lack of any coherency from what mission control are saying {which sees Ed Harris reprise his previous role from ‘Apollo 13’ before the comms go down} or indeed the lack of any visible missile going off or for that matter the feasibility of one being fired in the first place), has somehow resulted in all the debris arriving together to form one gigantic MONSTER which also just so happens to be in the exact correct path to annihilate everything else that we the human race have put into space, albeit with a little help from Sandra Bullock. Queue lots of arms flapping hopelessly around for the next hour and a half, occasionally interjected with a smug anecdote from Clooney.

The visuals of the Earth are very nice, but they are ruined by the camera spinning around constantly to the point of excess, nauseating the audience if they happen to find the Earth more interesting to look at than the principal leads. The physics never rings true, the dialogue is tragically bad, it never really feels like they’re in space and there’s even a disgustingly grotesque attempt to have Bullock float around and mimic a sort of embryo with various cords floating around her, as if director Alfonso Cuarón (‘Y Tu Mamá También’ 01, ‘Children of Men’ 06) thinks he’s Stanley Kubric. A film chock-full of stupidity from beginning to end with cringe worthy tension at best – even has Bullock running out of oxygen and Clooney decide to engage her in conversation, burning even more oxygen, plus they actually had a very obvious source of more oxygen that they completely ignored. One of the worst films for both actors – both ‘Batman & Robin’ (97) for Clooney and ‘All About Steve’ (09) for Bullock are more entertaining. Look out for the same floating pen that follows Bullock around no matter where she goes – also, the current televised ad for this film has some of John Murphy’s music playing in it: this music has nothing to do with the movie, but is in fact from Danny Boyle’s ‘Sunshine’ (07) which is ironically a much, much better science fiction film.

Philomena  (2013)    69/100

Rating :   69/100                                                                       98 Min        12A

Be prepared for this film to make you very angry – not because it is faulty in any way, but because the true story it’s based on, and the way central character Philomena Lee is treated (by the Catholic church, shock, horror), is ghastly, inhumane, and sadly perhaps all too common for girls in her situation at the time concerned – as an effective prisoner in a convent in Ireland forced to watch as her child is given away to a wealthy family for adoption against her will. The film catches up with Philomena (Judi Dench) as an old woman in the present day who has been searching for her son her whole life, when a daughter from a later relationship introduces her to Martin Sixsmith (Steve Coogan – who co-wrote the screenplay along with Jeff Pope, adapting the story from Sixsmith’s novel ‘The Lost Child of Philomena Lee’), a journalist recently made redundant and who, being at a loose end, decides to investigate the case for Philomena and to write an article about the experience for publication.

Here, mixed in with the relation of real events, we find the traditional story arc of Sixsmith from jaded snoot only really interested in getting something into print, to the emotionally involved fighter in Philomena’s corner, and Coogan successfully manages the balancing act of introducing some ameliorating comedy and lightheartedness to the tough storyline. Dench’s Irish accent is one moment spot on, the next wavering, and then it’ll disappear completely, but vocal misgivings aside both leads give very good performances with a script that works overall, is well directed by Stephen Frears (‘Dangerous Liaisons’ 88, ‘High Fidelity’ 00, ‘The Queen’ 06)  and a story that is sure to leave its mark on the audience. See ‘Oranges and Sunshine’ (10) for an even more brutal and heart wrenching tale on similar themes, and also the original ‘Bad Lieutenant’ (92) with Harvey Keitel for a similar contrast between the victim and the sympathiser.

Thor : The Dark World  (2013)    73/100

Rating :   73/100                                                                     120 Min        12A

The latest Marvel adventure and the second solo film for the heir to the throne of Asgard, just over a year after his Mjolnir wielding antics in New York with ‘Avengers Assemble’. The graphic work is rich and colourful with the continued glamour of the home of the Norse gods of legend featuring heavily, as an ancient and forgotten evil, the dark Elves, reawakens and threatens to cover all of the nine realms (which includes ours incidentally) in eternal darkness, and only Chris Hemsworth (Thor) and Natalie Portman (Thor’s astrophysicist lover when he isn’t busy thumping things with his hammer) can stop them pesky Elves. But at what cost to Earth, Asgard and Thor’s sex life?

All the cast from the previous adventure return to reprise their roles – including Tom Hiddleston as Loki, the likeable supervillain predominantly equipped with one-liners, and Anthony Hopkins as Odin himself (I’m sure he has a line ‘Odin be praised’ in ‘Beowulf’ coincidentally). Initially, the film exhibits a lot of action and proceeds at a decent pace, but there is the distinct air of having seen such fare many times over in Marvel and other recent films and some of the characters, namely the scientists, are decidedly carefree upon discovering an inter dimensional portal (though I must admit, The Red Dragon does find the idea of Natalie Portman solving differential equations somewhat … exciting) but it isn’t too long before the story becomes more engaging, and Marvel once again display their trademark of visually remarkable set pieces with a solid helping of good comedy.

Another comic book adaptation to potentially enjoy more than once – be sure to stay for not just the first post credits scene, but also the second post credits scene which appears right at the very end (the wait is not terribly long for it though). Helmed by veteran TV director Alan Taylor (‘Game of Thrones’, ‘The Sopranos’ – also due to take charge of the Terminator reboot in 2015) watch out for the mention of Asgard Productions in the rolling credits too  …

Press interview with the cast followed by one of the B rolls showing off the location shots in London, Surrey and Iceland:

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2  (2013)    73/100

Rating :   73/100                                                                       95 Min        U

The sequel to 2009’s ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ which despite very much flying under the radar was a really great film, making it onto several lists of the ‘top 50 animations of all time’ I’ve seen published since (like this one). The next instalment begins with the clean up operation of central character Flint Lockwood’s home island, after the inventor last time around peppered the area with super sized food dripping from the heavens courtesy of one of his more bananas, and yet genius, schemes (thus the title, and his pearing up with saucy meteorologist Sam Sparks). Enter traditional bad guy and cereal capitalist Chester V who intends to use Flint’s invention to steak a claim on his own evil food bar empire – all via the Foodbar 8.0, the only problem is he was Flint’s childhood inventing idol when he was growing up, will that boyish admiration be left in tatters?

Chester and his company Live Corp are a not too subtle parody of Apple (and the latte Steve Jobs, who also co-founded animation giant Pixar {Cloudy is from Sony Pictures Animation}) – which not only fits thematically but is arguably comedic with shadier undertones for a company currantly sandwiched between tax avoidance scandals and a price rigging pickle, not to mention their support for SOPA and PIPA… All satire aside though, Chester is one of the weaker ingredients in the film, and he comes across as fairly creepy – more akin to something out of South Park than the loveable creatures Cloudy normally serves up. Indeed, the visual richness and appeal of the animation, and the filmmakers sense of humour, is really where these films stand out – the creation at Live Corp of a zero emission car that runs on ‘cute’, for example, and the shot of the tank being opened up to uncover a cuddly sort of kitten squashed into it – but full of beans and happily purring away, its huge eyes gazing lovingly up at the driver. Nice.

Despite Chester V, Flint becoming a little too weak for a central character, and an over reliance on monkey jokes via his close friend Steve (who is indeed a monkey) eventually the film comes into its own with a wonderful story arc that sees all the food from the previous film literally come to life Jurassic Park style, allowing the animators to really put their creativity to the test – generating a visual feast for the eyes. Flint returns to the island to get to the root of the problem, along with several of the characters from the first film – his father, Sam Sparks, Manny, Brent and of course Steve, but on their adventure they encounter a new companion, Barry, the next stage in culinary evolution (pictured above, with their first meeting below) who turns out to be one of the best helpings of the series, and I think I speak for all the adults in the audience when I say – I WANT A MOTHER FUCKING TALKING STRAWBERRY THAT HIDES IN MY BACKPACK AND SAYS ‘MOOOOOOO?’!!!

Despite the film’s early weaknesses and the slight leekage of interest, I’d still fallen in love with it come the end, and judging by all the young sprouts in the audience running around dancing at the end credits, they relished it even more than I did. Bill Hader stars as Flint, with Anna Farris (who sizzles perfectly in the role) as Sparks, and James Caan, Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Ben jam in Bratt, Terry Crews (replacing Mr Tea) and Neil Patrick Harris rounding out the rest of the support. There is a brief post credits scene too. Mooooooooo?